I have been going through some heavy shit lately. Instead of turning to my practice I took on more suffering than I could handle and some if it was not my own. In my life I tend to overly empathize with the people I care about. I am loyal sometimes to the point of self detriment. It is extremely hard for me to draw boundaries between myself and those people.
As if it isn't hard enough not to take your own shit personally, I have to try to not take their shit personally too? Let me tell you, it is not possible to live under those conditions. Hell, I have only just started being able to get how to meet situations withe compassion. Buddhism is hard, people, but nothing worth doing is easy and it does change you. If you stick with it.
Today I was restless. I lashed out at people who had nothing to do with what I was upset about. Basically, I was back at square fucking one. It's been a draining week. So, at some point this evening, I decided to start listening to some Dharma talks, reading Against the Stream, trying to see if that would help. It did help, somewhat. Still I was so damn restless.
My next step was to start some meditation. By this point it was almost midnight, but I wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon, so why not. I started by re-trying Tonglen meditation. That stuff is intense or it is for me, at least. It was helpful, but I am still restless. I know that I will have to sit with this emotion for a while. I will have to process it and move on from it. I'm hoping to regain the level of mindfulness I had before the setback.
I've learned that I am only human. I will fall, stumble, and go backwards on this path, but as long as I get up, dust myself off, and try again that's ok. It's just the nature of life. You can't take on the world's problems because they aren't yours to solve.
Angry Girl, Forgiven
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Against the Stream
When I finished Dharma Punx I decided I really wanted to read Noah Levine's next book, Against the Stream: A Buddhist Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries. So, I got on amazon and bought a used copy. It came yesterday.
I'm about twenty-five pages in. So far, I love it. I didn't think I wouldn't like it because I listen to his Dharma talks at Against the Stream and I love those. I like to joke and tell my husband that Dharma talks are kind of like church, which I guess is pretty accurate. The thing with Noah and most of the Against the Stream teachers I have listened to is that it never feels like church. It feel like you are listening to a friend tell you about Buddhism. He's down to earth and up front. There is no guessing. The same goes for this book. I will tell you more about it when I finish!
If you aren't a reader, he actually has a series of Dharma talks that tell the story of the Buddha and the core teachings. You could listen to those instead.
Here are the first two installments of the series:
Buddha's Quest for Liberation
Buddha at the Bodhi Tree
I actually listened to both of them last night.
On the meeting Ryan Hurst front there have been exciting developments. I found out he will be at an expo about forty-five minutes from me on January fifth. I am beyond excited! That means in seventeen days I could be meeting him and letting him know I appreciate the unintentional change he affected in my life! That is awesome. I plan on getting the picture that started it all signed. Seems fitting, right?
Now, onto the Staten Strong front. My shirts came in this week and I love them! I've had people ask me questions about them when I wear them so it's a way to help raise awareness as well. If you'd like to show your support for Staten Strong just go to www.statenstrong.com and you can either donate or buy a shirt/hoodie. All the money goes directly to the people of Staten Island. I know they recently used it to buy chemicals to ward off mold, which is a growing problem there right now.
I'm about twenty-five pages in. So far, I love it. I didn't think I wouldn't like it because I listen to his Dharma talks at Against the Stream and I love those. I like to joke and tell my husband that Dharma talks are kind of like church, which I guess is pretty accurate. The thing with Noah and most of the Against the Stream teachers I have listened to is that it never feels like church. It feel like you are listening to a friend tell you about Buddhism. He's down to earth and up front. There is no guessing. The same goes for this book. I will tell you more about it when I finish!
If you aren't a reader, he actually has a series of Dharma talks that tell the story of the Buddha and the core teachings. You could listen to those instead.
Here are the first two installments of the series:
Buddha's Quest for Liberation
Buddha at the Bodhi Tree
I actually listened to both of them last night.
On the meeting Ryan Hurst front there have been exciting developments. I found out he will be at an expo about forty-five minutes from me on January fifth. I am beyond excited! That means in seventeen days I could be meeting him and letting him know I appreciate the unintentional change he affected in my life! That is awesome. I plan on getting the picture that started it all signed. Seems fitting, right?
Now, onto the Staten Strong front. My shirts came in this week and I love them! I've had people ask me questions about them when I wear them so it's a way to help raise awareness as well. If you'd like to show your support for Staten Strong just go to www.statenstrong.com and you can either donate or buy a shirt/hoodie. All the money goes directly to the people of Staten Island. I know they recently used it to buy chemicals to ward off mold, which is a growing problem there right now.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The State of Things
I was going to post about what happened. Give my thoughts on the state of things and then, I realized, it doesn't matter what I think of this situation. What matters is that we try to change things to keep it from happening again. That we put ourselves to service to help heal the wound left behind. When I got so bogged down and upset yesterday I turned to Tonglen meditation after already doing a round of present time awareness.
After my first round of meditation I felt better, for a while. It was hard to keep things in perspective and it eventually brought me back down into suffering. So I tried Tonglen meditation for the first time. In this meditation, which is used a lot by the Tibetan tradition, you confront suffering. Instead of turning your back to it you breathe it into your heart center.It really opens your eyes to things and I recommend it.
Here is the guided Tonglen.
Here is the guided Present Time Awareness.
This morning, while baking Christmas cookies (what can I say, I'm a multitasking Angry Girl) I listened to a Dharma talk about the seven factors of enlightenment which can be found here . It really addresses some of the basics of Buddhism pretty well. Noah, as always, puts things in easy to follow terms.
I know this blog isn't as in depth as I normally get, but yesterday, as I am sure it did for you, really bogged me down. To all my readers, whoever you are, always remember to enjoy the moment you are in. You never know what can happen and it is the only way to truly live.
Also, update on meeting Ryan Hurst. Found out, by a chance conversation my husband had at work, that he will be in my area on the 5th. I am so fucking excited I can hardly stand it. Here is hoping I don't come off as some weird stalker girl and he gets why I am thanking him.
Angry Girl
After my first round of meditation I felt better, for a while. It was hard to keep things in perspective and it eventually brought me back down into suffering. So I tried Tonglen meditation for the first time. In this meditation, which is used a lot by the Tibetan tradition, you confront suffering. Instead of turning your back to it you breathe it into your heart center.It really opens your eyes to things and I recommend it.
Here is the guided Tonglen.
Here is the guided Present Time Awareness.
This morning, while baking Christmas cookies (what can I say, I'm a multitasking Angry Girl) I listened to a Dharma talk about the seven factors of enlightenment which can be found here . It really addresses some of the basics of Buddhism pretty well. Noah, as always, puts things in easy to follow terms.
I know this blog isn't as in depth as I normally get, but yesterday, as I am sure it did for you, really bogged me down. To all my readers, whoever you are, always remember to enjoy the moment you are in. You never know what can happen and it is the only way to truly live.
Also, update on meeting Ryan Hurst. Found out, by a chance conversation my husband had at work, that he will be in my area on the 5th. I am so fucking excited I can hardly stand it. Here is hoping I don't come off as some weird stalker girl and he gets why I am thanking him.
Angry Girl
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Dharma Punx: Memoir of Punk Monk Noah Levine
When I started my search on Buddhism a few months ago I happened across a book called, Dharma Punx: A Memoir. After reading the description of the book, I set out with great anticipation to the closest book store, forty-five minutes from me, to buy it. When I started reading it I was immediately fascinated by Noah Levine's story. Here was this guy, truly suffering for most off his life, who found peace through the Dharma.
His path takes him from troubled kid to homeless street punk, to addict, to the spiritual path that saved his life. It was amazing to read how the Dharma affected change in his life, little by little. It reminds you that it is worth every bit of effort you put into it. It was through this book that I found the Dharma Punx site ( here ) and then the Against the Stream site ( here )
Noah has used his spiritual practice not just to better himself, but to better his friends, family, and community. Spending a large amount of his life in service he has had many amazing experiences. He has met the Dalai Lama several times. Yet, through all his powerful experiences he has stayed in touch with his Punk Rock roots. He definitely speaks to me on my level and I really like that in a teacher. throughout this book he is extremely honest and that is a refreshing thing in that you get to see exactly what the dharma means to him.
He allows the reader to see how the Dharma affects even his most personal relationships. It's really an amazing telling of a story that is seemingly unlikely. Some of my favorite parts of the book are when he travels to the holy-sites in Asia. You get a pretty clear picture of what it is like traveling in those countries and how much the experience did for him
If I am listening to a dharma talk, chances are, it is a Noah Levine talk from Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society. (here) I also use that link for my guided meditation.
I would recommend this book even to my non-buddhist friends. More than just being a tool to spread the Dharma it is also an incredible story about the human spirit and the power of hope.
Angry Girl
His path takes him from troubled kid to homeless street punk, to addict, to the spiritual path that saved his life. It was amazing to read how the Dharma affected change in his life, little by little. It reminds you that it is worth every bit of effort you put into it. It was through this book that I found the Dharma Punx site ( here ) and then the Against the Stream site ( here )
Noah has used his spiritual practice not just to better himself, but to better his friends, family, and community. Spending a large amount of his life in service he has had many amazing experiences. He has met the Dalai Lama several times. Yet, through all his powerful experiences he has stayed in touch with his Punk Rock roots. He definitely speaks to me on my level and I really like that in a teacher. throughout this book he is extremely honest and that is a refreshing thing in that you get to see exactly what the dharma means to him.
He allows the reader to see how the Dharma affects even his most personal relationships. It's really an amazing telling of a story that is seemingly unlikely. Some of my favorite parts of the book are when he travels to the holy-sites in Asia. You get a pretty clear picture of what it is like traveling in those countries and how much the experience did for him
If I am listening to a dharma talk, chances are, it is a Noah Levine talk from Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society. (here) I also use that link for my guided meditation.
I would recommend this book even to my non-buddhist friends. More than just being a tool to spread the Dharma it is also an incredible story about the human spirit and the power of hope.
Angry Girl
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Taking Already Broken to the Next Level
December always makes me kind of obsessive about death. I know that seems like an odd correlation, but there you have it. I've had a grandfather who died in December and then two years ago I lost my eighteen year old cousin to a stupid car accident. He never met his daughter, his mother was devastated. It really made me understand that no one is safe. Anyone can die at any moment. For a while I was really negatively affected by that realization. As a former cancer patient my mortality is something I am aware of. So, when you add that other realization to it and a dash of my own anxiety you get one girl who is a mess when she thought about death.
I've dealt with that some since then. Still, it is fresh in my mind as we come up on the anniversary. Last night I decided to search the archives over at Against the Stream, here , and actually find a talk about death. I tend to favor Noah Levine for my Dharma talks. I've been branching out some, but last night I went back to good old Noah.
In the beginning of the talk he mention Ajahn Cha and his cup. You remember my blog about that being already broken? That story. Instead of that lesson though he went on to suggest we should look at people as being already dead. Same principal, but use it to help with grief. How would that change your life? Would it make you stop trying if you saw everyone as impermanent as they really are? Would you just start being a huge bitch to everyone? Or, more likely, would you learn that everyone is precious. That everyone is gone and you never know when that will happen so maybe you shouldn't hang on to the anger you have about them stealing that pair of socks you really loved.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I get it, in theory. If you see everyone like you would see the cup it should be easier to let them go. Death, though, is such a huge thing for so many people, I'm not sure if that would help or make people jerks.
What are your thoughts?
Here is the actual talk .
P.S. I think I like Vinny's Dharma talk style to. I'll let you knew next time!
Angry Girl Contemplative
I've dealt with that some since then. Still, it is fresh in my mind as we come up on the anniversary. Last night I decided to search the archives over at Against the Stream, here , and actually find a talk about death. I tend to favor Noah Levine for my Dharma talks. I've been branching out some, but last night I went back to good old Noah.
In the beginning of the talk he mention Ajahn Cha and his cup. You remember my blog about that being already broken? That story. Instead of that lesson though he went on to suggest we should look at people as being already dead. Same principal, but use it to help with grief. How would that change your life? Would it make you stop trying if you saw everyone as impermanent as they really are? Would you just start being a huge bitch to everyone? Or, more likely, would you learn that everyone is precious. That everyone is gone and you never know when that will happen so maybe you shouldn't hang on to the anger you have about them stealing that pair of socks you really loved.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I get it, in theory. If you see everyone like you would see the cup it should be easier to let them go. Death, though, is such a huge thing for so many people, I'm not sure if that would help or make people jerks.
What are your thoughts?
Here is the actual talk .
P.S. I think I like Vinny's Dharma talk style to. I'll let you knew next time!
Angry Girl Contemplative
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Supporting Staten Island After the Media Leaves and An Update On Staten Strong
Right now, in New York, there are twelve thousand people trying to live in homes with compromised electrical systems, furnaces that don't work, and the temperatures are dropping. They could go to emergency shelters, but many people are reporting that its seems like there are more already homeless people at those shelters and that it makes them uncomfortable. Lets face it, folks, most of use would be staying in our gutted homes. It's our home.
As media focus on Staten Island and the other affected areas, such as Seaside New Jersey, wanes we need to keep our eye on their struggles. Giving at the height of a disaster is a no-brainer. While we are inundated with tragic pictures on TV, internet, and all other media outlets it is easy to see the reason to give. Many of us think, "That could be my home," and we endeavor to help. Helping in the immediate aftermath is a great thing. It helps people get relief in the form of water, flashlights, clothes, mops, buckets, food, many of the basics we take for granted daily.
Often times, I think the shrinking coverage equates to recovery in our minds. Sadly, this is not the case. Many people are still scrambling to remove harmful and damaging mold from their homes. More people are just trying to find a place to live. To repair or, in some cases, just save the home to be repaired later. Staten Island and the surrounding areas still need our support.
There has been a rise in cold related ER visits from last year, probably due to the people trying to make it by in their homes that lack heat. On top of that mold can cause a multitude of illnesses and aggravate asthma. Even the people fixing their homes are risking their health because of the inhalation of construction dust. People trying to keep warm with fires in their homes are accidentally starting fires. I can't imagine making it through all that with a repairable home only to damage it further just trying to keep warm.
The amazing community of Staten Island has come together to support each other, but some are being told they have to move their hubs because they are taking up too much of the sidewalk. Read more about that here. I've also seen many articles mentioning how mishandled this has been by FEMA. You would think that agency would have learned something from Katrina. Lets prove that we did.
The charity, Staten Strong, was created out of the clear need for the community to be able to get to the funds to help each other. We think when we donate to the Red Cross or phone-a-thons that the money goes directly and immediately to the people who need it, but it doesn't. There's red tape to go through and then the fact that the money may be allocated for one thing when what it is really needed for is mold killing solutions. Staten Strong is an amazing charity started by people from Staten Island who have actually used that money to buy mold killing solution, which was desperately needed. The money can go to the families who've lost everything to buy clothes, appliances, whatever it is that is needed at the time. I think it is a testament to the resilience of the spirit of the community and the human spirit in general.
As of today, right now, this second, Staten Strong has raised $24,816 for the people in need. I am a proud contributor and advocate of this charity. They have a couple of events coming up. One of is a Gala on December 27, check out some info on the Staten Strong facebook page here or buy tickets here. If you'd like to keep up date on events or just see pictures of the Staten Strong team in action you can follow them on twitter here.
Pleas take a minute out of your day and donate anything you can at www.statenstrong.com. They also have hoodies and t-shirts available. I ordered mine before Thanksgiving so I can show everyone my Staten Strong pride.
For info on how to help people in New Jersey go to www.shorehelpers.com Please continue to keep up the support for Staten Strong and Staten Island.
Angry Girl, Staten Strong
As media focus on Staten Island and the other affected areas, such as Seaside New Jersey, wanes we need to keep our eye on their struggles. Giving at the height of a disaster is a no-brainer. While we are inundated with tragic pictures on TV, internet, and all other media outlets it is easy to see the reason to give. Many of us think, "That could be my home," and we endeavor to help. Helping in the immediate aftermath is a great thing. It helps people get relief in the form of water, flashlights, clothes, mops, buckets, food, many of the basics we take for granted daily.
Often times, I think the shrinking coverage equates to recovery in our minds. Sadly, this is not the case. Many people are still scrambling to remove harmful and damaging mold from their homes. More people are just trying to find a place to live. To repair or, in some cases, just save the home to be repaired later. Staten Island and the surrounding areas still need our support.
There has been a rise in cold related ER visits from last year, probably due to the people trying to make it by in their homes that lack heat. On top of that mold can cause a multitude of illnesses and aggravate asthma. Even the people fixing their homes are risking their health because of the inhalation of construction dust. People trying to keep warm with fires in their homes are accidentally starting fires. I can't imagine making it through all that with a repairable home only to damage it further just trying to keep warm.
The amazing community of Staten Island has come together to support each other, but some are being told they have to move their hubs because they are taking up too much of the sidewalk. Read more about that here. I've also seen many articles mentioning how mishandled this has been by FEMA. You would think that agency would have learned something from Katrina. Lets prove that we did.
The charity, Staten Strong, was created out of the clear need for the community to be able to get to the funds to help each other. We think when we donate to the Red Cross or phone-a-thons that the money goes directly and immediately to the people who need it, but it doesn't. There's red tape to go through and then the fact that the money may be allocated for one thing when what it is really needed for is mold killing solutions. Staten Strong is an amazing charity started by people from Staten Island who have actually used that money to buy mold killing solution, which was desperately needed. The money can go to the families who've lost everything to buy clothes, appliances, whatever it is that is needed at the time. I think it is a testament to the resilience of the spirit of the community and the human spirit in general.
As of today, right now, this second, Staten Strong has raised $24,816 for the people in need. I am a proud contributor and advocate of this charity. They have a couple of events coming up. One of is a Gala on December 27, check out some info on the Staten Strong facebook page here or buy tickets here. If you'd like to keep up date on events or just see pictures of the Staten Strong team in action you can follow them on twitter here.
Pleas take a minute out of your day and donate anything you can at www.statenstrong.com. They also have hoodies and t-shirts available. I ordered mine before Thanksgiving so I can show everyone my Staten Strong pride.
For info on how to help people in New Jersey go to www.shorehelpers.com Please continue to keep up the support for Staten Strong and Staten Island.
Angry Girl, Staten Strong
Friday, November 30, 2012
Can Working Out Qualify as Meditation?
I am five foot three inches tall and I weigh right around two-hundred pounds. Overt he last few years I have lost, and kept off, about eighty pounds. Knee problems, diabetes, kids, and a hormone disorder contributed to my weight gain. Oh and the fact I fucking love food.I am not one of those people who sits back and cries, "Oh I don't know how I got so over weight!" I do know. Most of it was medical, but there was a healthy dose of fat-ass eating in there too.
As I was working out tonight while watching Sons of Anarchy Season Two that I got for ten bucks (yea, I'm proud of that. Bow to me. lol) , I had a thought. Is working out like mediation? In meditation well at least mindfulness meditation, you have to keep reminding yourself to focus on the breath. Over and over we have to, compassionately, tell our minds to focus on the breath. when I work out I have to remind myself that I can do this or that the result is worth it. Is that the same thing?
I know I've heard walking meditation mentioned in Dharma talks. I would think that working out and clearing your mind of everything but what you are doing in that moment would be about the same. I would imagine there are many things that we do that involve emptying our minds and being mindful of our current actions that are a lot like meditation.
I try to mediate at least once a day. Usually it is a guided mediation because that helps me since I am still so new. I have noticed that now, instead of jumping straight into I;ll mess a bitch up mode, if I get angry I will stop, breathe and think about my next step. It's help tremendously.
What do you do in your everyday life that is like meditation but isn't actually meditation?
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The New Girl Deals With Loss
Today my dog died. He was a great boy. I've had him for 14 years. since before I had kids or a husband. He was my first son. In recent months he had developed a degenerative spine disease. I knew he probably wouldn't make it passed Christmas, but it was still shocking for me. When I found him this morning it was clear it was the end. I bathed him, he loved warm water, I dried him, I wrapped him in a blanket and I prepared to let him lay with me until it was over. Because that is what you do for family. An hour or so in, he started crying and I absolutely couldn't deal. I called the vet, put Julian in a box with a pillow and a blanket, packed up my 4 year old, and took him in to have him euthanized. As we sat in the waiting room, my hand stroking his head, my boy passed. They had to refund my money, it was the strangest thing.
Of course, I cried like a baby. I buried him and then walked around on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. My kids took it better than I did, though my 9 year old has made a few comments about how he misses him. Death sucks. Death reminds us that none of us are permanent. Nothing is permanent.
Nine hours later I'm still sad. I've thought I saw him in the house twice. That being said, I'm taking it a million times better than I thought I would. Partially because he was in pain and partially because of the Dharma talks I've been listening to.
Tonight, to try and find some level of acceptance or at least not be quite so sad, I went searching for a talk that would speak to me. This is the one I found http://againstthestream.org/audio/item/on-loss
Against the Stream is such an amazing resource if you are a budding Buddhist in a place where the community is non-existent. I would love to go sit down on a floor pillow and listen to a Dharma talk with like minded people, but that is not something I can do in my area. With the audio of the Dharma talks from Against the Stream I can put one my headphones and hear the talk and feel like I'm there as I hear the cars pass by, the people shifting, all the ambient noise as if I'm there. I love it.
If you are looking for information and reading isn't your thing, Against the Stream is probably the resource for you. Many nights I've found myself on the site just listening to Dharma talks for hours.When I go to Nashville in February I'm going to try to see if I can go to the Against the Stream Center there.When I saw that they had one there I looked at my husband and said, "Holy shit, dude, Ryan Hurst AND an Against the Stream, that shit is a fucking sign," yes, I am a sailor and yes I do call my husband dude often.
So, check out Against the Stream. They are amazing. And think positive thought s for me and being able to go to Nashville and if I do get to go that Ryan Hurst doesn't have to cancel or something. Basically, lets hope everything aligns.
Angry Girl on a Mission
Of course, I cried like a baby. I buried him and then walked around on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. My kids took it better than I did, though my 9 year old has made a few comments about how he misses him. Death sucks. Death reminds us that none of us are permanent. Nothing is permanent.
Nine hours later I'm still sad. I've thought I saw him in the house twice. That being said, I'm taking it a million times better than I thought I would. Partially because he was in pain and partially because of the Dharma talks I've been listening to.
Tonight, to try and find some level of acceptance or at least not be quite so sad, I went searching for a talk that would speak to me. This is the one I found http://againstthestream.org/audio/item/on-loss
Against the Stream is such an amazing resource if you are a budding Buddhist in a place where the community is non-existent. I would love to go sit down on a floor pillow and listen to a Dharma talk with like minded people, but that is not something I can do in my area. With the audio of the Dharma talks from Against the Stream I can put one my headphones and hear the talk and feel like I'm there as I hear the cars pass by, the people shifting, all the ambient noise as if I'm there. I love it.
If you are looking for information and reading isn't your thing, Against the Stream is probably the resource for you. Many nights I've found myself on the site just listening to Dharma talks for hours.When I go to Nashville in February I'm going to try to see if I can go to the Against the Stream Center there.When I saw that they had one there I looked at my husband and said, "Holy shit, dude, Ryan Hurst AND an Against the Stream, that shit is a fucking sign," yes, I am a sailor and yes I do call my husband dude often.
So, check out Against the Stream. They are amazing. And think positive thought s for me and being able to go to Nashville and if I do get to go that Ryan Hurst doesn't have to cancel or something. Basically, lets hope everything aligns.
Angry Girl on a Mission
Humbling from Staten Strong and My Shirt Comes Home
A couple of amazing things happened here in Ohio today. First, I got online this morning and made my daily PSA for Staten Strong, a cause close to my Angry Girl heart, and a little while later I saw this
I feel so humbled. I help Staten Strong because I see the pictures and I think that could be me, my community, my friends, and it's a no brainer to try and get the word out there. I definitely carry this cause in my heart and always will. I think that we often reactively give to these causes that stem from natural disasters and then, slowly, as the media attention fades we forget and move on. It takes years to recover from something like this. I'll put it this way, there are still areas hit by Katrina that have yet to fully recover. Staten Island will need our help for the long haul and they deserve it. They shouldn't have to do this alone. I intend to remind people of this cause as often as I possibly can. Spread the word.
Staten Strong site where you can donate or buy a shirt or hoodie and show your Staten Strong pride
Staten Strong Twitter
Theo Rossi (one of the founders and cast member of Sons of Anarchy) Twitter
Staten Strong Facebook
The second half of my day came with the arrival of THE shirt.The shirt that started it all. The story behind the shirt is here, but if you follow my blog then you probably know what the hell I'm going on about. You know, I sat down today and I thought about everything I've changed in the last few months and I cried. So many things have been given back to me through this new path. No matter how many causes I help, how many individuals I help, how much compassion I show I can never do enough to thank the universe or whatever for just having Ryan Hurst get dressed in this shirt. Such a simple thing to do to give a girl her life back.
How can I ever accurately describe the gratitude I feel, without seeming like that weird stalkery girl from the internet, if I get to meet him in February? Will it seem stupid to him? Will it seem like I've misplaced all this gratitude? I hope not. I hope that I somehow find the words to be able to explain to him what he did for my life. I have so many things running through my head about it. How do you get someone to understand something like this without seeming psycho? If you know, help a girl out. If I get to do that then I feel like this will have gone full circle.
I wear this shirt proudly.
I will continue to use my blog to share my everyday experiences in growing on the Buddhist path, to help Staten Strong, and sometimes even just to make you laugh. I don't care if anyone ever comments again. If I reach even one person then it's worth it to me. If Ryan Hurst wearing a shirt and a thank you from Staten Strong (when I don't think I did much to be thanked for) have taught me anything it is this: Help any way you can, strive to touch people's hearts, leave an indelible mark of compassion on all that you do.
Angry Girl Humbled.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Forgiveness Starts With Me
So, you'll remember a couple of weeks ago my dilemma about my husband's family and Thanksgiving. I went back and forth about whether I was going to go or not. Eventually, I had decided to go. We bought all the stuff to make food, I always make his Grandma's homemade butterscotch pie, and everything seemed ok.
Until yesterday. It was D-Day and I was freaking out. We were supposed to be there at 5, but his sister called and said just get there as soon as we could. I hadn't started the pies yet and I don't handle schedule changes well before I've thoroughly medicated myself. So, I freaked out on my husband then apologized because I realized that I wasn't meeting the situation with compassion and kindness. I went into the kitchen and popped my anxiety meds to which my husband laughed and asked if I wanted him to put them in a pez dispenser. My answer, "Only if it's shaped like the TARDIS." About halfway through making the butterscotch for the pies I realized that I could feel the panic attack building up on the periphery. There are few feelings worse than a panic attack you know is coming but can't really stop. Sighing, I turned to my husband and told him I didn't think I could do it.
At first I was disappointed in myself. I f I couldn't forgive these people how am I suppose to be able to meet situations like this with kindness and not anger. Then I realized something, I already was meeting it with compassion I wouldn't have had before. If this had been six months ago not only would I have not gone, but I would not have wanted anyone in my family to go. It sounds like a heartless thing to do, but I wouldn't have been able to stand being at home alone thinking about all the things they MIGHT be saying about me, but like Linda said, it's not my business what people think about me.
That statement is a powerful tool in life. So I'll say it again.
It is not my business what people think about me.
Because of that single thought and trying to meet a situation with as much compassion as I could afford it, yesterday did not degrade into a knock out fight. There was no screaming, there was no yelling, All that happened was I calmly discussed it with my husband, forgave myself for not being able to bring myself to go, then allowed myself to see the situation with compassion and let my husband go without giving a damn what might be said.
When people asked me what I was thankful for on Thursday, without hesitation, I told them I was thankful for t-shirts that completely change lives. If you want to read that story I have it here. I really don't think there will ever be a way for me to truly express the level of gratitude I have for that man and his t-shirt. Literally this has changed the entire course of my life. I am so fucking thankful. Yea, the f-bomb is an appropriate way to express the level of emotion you have or at least I think it is. Maybe my gratitude is misplaced, I don't know. Maybe it is silly to be so thankful to someone for having a picture taken in a shirt that they probably didn't even really think about wearing, but I can't help but feel that way. So many things are different now.
I will never take for granted the smallest actions again.
My goal with this blog has always been to reciprocate on that small action. This blog is my T-shirt. I hope to be able to show people real life examples of how Buddhism can change your life. To give other Angry Girls and Boys out there the chance to see how simple and happy life can be. To give people the tools to change.
In February, Mr. Hurst will be in Nashville at a bike show. I have discussed it with the Husband and I am going to try to go. I am going try my damnedest to make this happen. To be able to tell the man in person, "Thank you," would be a powerful thing for me. It might creep his ass out, lol, but that is a risk I'm willing to take.
Angry Girl
Until yesterday. It was D-Day and I was freaking out. We were supposed to be there at 5, but his sister called and said just get there as soon as we could. I hadn't started the pies yet and I don't handle schedule changes well before I've thoroughly medicated myself. So, I freaked out on my husband then apologized because I realized that I wasn't meeting the situation with compassion and kindness. I went into the kitchen and popped my anxiety meds to which my husband laughed and asked if I wanted him to put them in a pez dispenser. My answer, "Only if it's shaped like the TARDIS." About halfway through making the butterscotch for the pies I realized that I could feel the panic attack building up on the periphery. There are few feelings worse than a panic attack you know is coming but can't really stop. Sighing, I turned to my husband and told him I didn't think I could do it.
At first I was disappointed in myself. I f I couldn't forgive these people how am I suppose to be able to meet situations like this with kindness and not anger. Then I realized something, I already was meeting it with compassion I wouldn't have had before. If this had been six months ago not only would I have not gone, but I would not have wanted anyone in my family to go. It sounds like a heartless thing to do, but I wouldn't have been able to stand being at home alone thinking about all the things they MIGHT be saying about me, but like Linda said, it's not my business what people think about me.
That statement is a powerful tool in life. So I'll say it again.
It is not my business what people think about me.
Because of that single thought and trying to meet a situation with as much compassion as I could afford it, yesterday did not degrade into a knock out fight. There was no screaming, there was no yelling, All that happened was I calmly discussed it with my husband, forgave myself for not being able to bring myself to go, then allowed myself to see the situation with compassion and let my husband go without giving a damn what might be said.
When people asked me what I was thankful for on Thursday, without hesitation, I told them I was thankful for t-shirts that completely change lives. If you want to read that story I have it here. I really don't think there will ever be a way for me to truly express the level of gratitude I have for that man and his t-shirt. Literally this has changed the entire course of my life. I am so fucking thankful. Yea, the f-bomb is an appropriate way to express the level of emotion you have or at least I think it is. Maybe my gratitude is misplaced, I don't know. Maybe it is silly to be so thankful to someone for having a picture taken in a shirt that they probably didn't even really think about wearing, but I can't help but feel that way. So many things are different now.
I will never take for granted the smallest actions again.
My goal with this blog has always been to reciprocate on that small action. This blog is my T-shirt. I hope to be able to show people real life examples of how Buddhism can change your life. To give other Angry Girls and Boys out there the chance to see how simple and happy life can be. To give people the tools to change.
In February, Mr. Hurst will be in Nashville at a bike show. I have discussed it with the Husband and I am going to try to go. I am going try my damnedest to make this happen. To be able to tell the man in person, "Thank you," would be a powerful thing for me. It might creep his ass out, lol, but that is a risk I'm willing to take.
Angry Girl
Monday, November 19, 2012
Angry Girl and Relationships
When you carry anger and resentment with you like your security blanket, your relationships suffer. As a married woman I can honestly say anger and resentment, no matter how easy they are to harbor, are poison to a marriage.
Sunday, this Angry Girl and her Husband went out on a date. We don't get to do it that often because it is hard to find someone to watch our kids. No idea why, it just is. So we go to a movie and we go do some shopping, then we go out to eat. Somehow we get into a really deep discussion about our marriage as it was and how far I seem to have come in the last few months. This leads to my husband confessing that he knows he has treated me badly in the past and how sorry he is. I was shocked. Only a few months ago even trying to bring this up would have pissed me off. I would have been convinced it was just another ploy to blame me for shit I didn't cause. It is so easy to jump to anger when it is all you seem to be filled with. You can use anger as a shield and many people probably do.
Yesterday, for the first time in my adult life, I met the conversation with compassion and was mindful of my words and emotions. I understood that the past was just that, the past. It was a very healing moment for me. When you are full of delusions about how others feel about you how do you let them get their actual thoughts out? You don't because you don't want to hear the bullshit you are sure you are about to hear. The anger clouds your judgement. Don't let it. Don't waste your time with it. Seriously, don't. Meet the situation with compassion and allow yourself to grow passed it.
For the first time in a long time I feel like I may actually get to have a partner in life. It's exciting. I know we won't always get along because no one ever does. It's what impermanence is all about. It's nice to know that we can actually discuss things now.
Sunday cemented my commitment to this path. It made me that much more grateful to the odd turn of events that set me on this road. One day I will thank that person. I will. It may sound like a dumb thing to be resolved to accomplish, but for me this has been an eye opening few months. Relationships have been mended. I've been changed. I've learned so much that I hadn't understood before.
Anger is poison, guys, let it go at every opportunity you have.
Angry Girl Grateful
Sunday, this Angry Girl and her Husband went out on a date. We don't get to do it that often because it is hard to find someone to watch our kids. No idea why, it just is. So we go to a movie and we go do some shopping, then we go out to eat. Somehow we get into a really deep discussion about our marriage as it was and how far I seem to have come in the last few months. This leads to my husband confessing that he knows he has treated me badly in the past and how sorry he is. I was shocked. Only a few months ago even trying to bring this up would have pissed me off. I would have been convinced it was just another ploy to blame me for shit I didn't cause. It is so easy to jump to anger when it is all you seem to be filled with. You can use anger as a shield and many people probably do.
Yesterday, for the first time in my adult life, I met the conversation with compassion and was mindful of my words and emotions. I understood that the past was just that, the past. It was a very healing moment for me. When you are full of delusions about how others feel about you how do you let them get their actual thoughts out? You don't because you don't want to hear the bullshit you are sure you are about to hear. The anger clouds your judgement. Don't let it. Don't waste your time with it. Seriously, don't. Meet the situation with compassion and allow yourself to grow passed it.
For the first time in a long time I feel like I may actually get to have a partner in life. It's exciting. I know we won't always get along because no one ever does. It's what impermanence is all about. It's nice to know that we can actually discuss things now.
Sunday cemented my commitment to this path. It made me that much more grateful to the odd turn of events that set me on this road. One day I will thank that person. I will. It may sound like a dumb thing to be resolved to accomplish, but for me this has been an eye opening few months. Relationships have been mended. I've been changed. I've learned so much that I hadn't understood before.
Anger is poison, guys, let it go at every opportunity you have.
Angry Girl Grateful
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Oh, You really Hate My Black Weasley Guts? That's Cool, I'm Not Going to Suffer About It.
So, someone pointed out to me last week that what others think of you is none of your business. Isn't that a great thought? You hate me? That's none of my business. Awesome.
After that, I decided to listen to a Dharma talk about forgiveness. The Buddha said that if anyone is deserving of your forgiveness and compassion it is yourself. So in other words, if you are going to forgive someone forgive yourself fist. We are only human. We fuck up.
A lot of us hold on to the criticism laid upon them and then they internalize it and use it to criticize themselves. Hell, during meditation I criticize myself. I think we all do, apparently Noah Levine does and he's been doing this for a very long time. I have anxiety problems, so if I meditate after my medication has worn off for the day, good lord, forget about it. I have to remind myself to pay attention to my breath once every five seconds until I am screaming in my head, "Hey fucker, it's simple pay attention to the in and out of your fucking breath, come on, it isn't rocket science!"
Well in that Dharma talk I learned that I need to look at it more like," Dude, I get it, it's cool. I forgive you, lets try this shit again." But you can apply that to pretty much everything. You have to meet things that hurt you with compassion.That includes the words of others, but,like Linda said to me, it is also not our business what others think of us. It kind of makes you sit back and go, "Whoa, wait, all these years I gave a shit if people said mean stuff about me it was none of my business? But it was about ME, doesn't that inherently make it my business?" It isn't really about you. We are impermanent, we change from second to second. By the time gossip reaches you it has been out there a while, you aren't that person anymore. It's none of your business what other people think of you.
Forgiving yourself is hard. I can forgive myself in one minute for something and then five minutes later I'm thinking about that shit again. Blaming myself again. That's why they call it practice, you don't get it right away, you go at it with compassion and remind yourself you forgave yourself for that already. Offer yourself the forgiveness you can in that moment. If you need to do it again in another moment, do it.
So, I guess the moral of this blog is if the girl across the hall is telling people you are a a mindless piece of trash, it doesn't matter because it is none of your business. Forgive her, then when your mind thinks what a bitch she is five minutes later, forgive yourself for not being perfect, smile, and forgive her ass again.
Angry Girl Out.
After that, I decided to listen to a Dharma talk about forgiveness. The Buddha said that if anyone is deserving of your forgiveness and compassion it is yourself. So in other words, if you are going to forgive someone forgive yourself fist. We are only human. We fuck up.
A lot of us hold on to the criticism laid upon them and then they internalize it and use it to criticize themselves. Hell, during meditation I criticize myself. I think we all do, apparently Noah Levine does and he's been doing this for a very long time. I have anxiety problems, so if I meditate after my medication has worn off for the day, good lord, forget about it. I have to remind myself to pay attention to my breath once every five seconds until I am screaming in my head, "Hey fucker, it's simple pay attention to the in and out of your fucking breath, come on, it isn't rocket science!"
Well in that Dharma talk I learned that I need to look at it more like," Dude, I get it, it's cool. I forgive you, lets try this shit again." But you can apply that to pretty much everything. You have to meet things that hurt you with compassion.That includes the words of others, but,like Linda said to me, it is also not our business what others think of us. It kind of makes you sit back and go, "Whoa, wait, all these years I gave a shit if people said mean stuff about me it was none of my business? But it was about ME, doesn't that inherently make it my business?" It isn't really about you. We are impermanent, we change from second to second. By the time gossip reaches you it has been out there a while, you aren't that person anymore. It's none of your business what other people think of you.
Forgiving yourself is hard. I can forgive myself in one minute for something and then five minutes later I'm thinking about that shit again. Blaming myself again. That's why they call it practice, you don't get it right away, you go at it with compassion and remind yourself you forgave yourself for that already. Offer yourself the forgiveness you can in that moment. If you need to do it again in another moment, do it.
So, I guess the moral of this blog is if the girl across the hall is telling people you are a a mindless piece of trash, it doesn't matter because it is none of your business. Forgive her, then when your mind thinks what a bitch she is five minutes later, forgive yourself for not being perfect, smile, and forgive her ass again.
Angry Girl Out.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Try Not to Take It Personal
So I've been learning about the whole not taking emotions personally concept.
It is kind of confusing at first. I sit and listen to the Dharma talk and think, "Um, how am I supposed to not see my guilt as MINE?" Of course, my feelings completely reflect my newness in this. From what I've gathered so far your emotions are part of the experience of life, they happen to everyone. Because they happen to everyone they aren't really yours. Instead of thinking, "My guilt is crushing me," it should be more like, "Yea, I see you there guilt."
It kind of goes along with the concept that there really is no self. Well, no permanent self anyway. even in our minds we constantly change from one minute to the next. We are very literally never the same.It's hard to pin down the self when there is nothing permanent about it. I was talking to a friend last night and trying to share this with her, but I don't think it came across well.
I'll get a grasp on it eventually.
Now, I'm curious, how many people frequent my blog and find it usefull? Leave a comment, say hello! I'm not going anywhere if you don't, but I'd like to meet you guys :)
Now, back to the Buddhism.
I find the Dharma talks at Against the Stream to be so helpful. When I feel frustrated I will listen to one or I will meditate and I feel a million times better. What are your experiences with Dharma talks? Have you ever listened to one?
It is kind of confusing at first. I sit and listen to the Dharma talk and think, "Um, how am I supposed to not see my guilt as MINE?" Of course, my feelings completely reflect my newness in this. From what I've gathered so far your emotions are part of the experience of life, they happen to everyone. Because they happen to everyone they aren't really yours. Instead of thinking, "My guilt is crushing me," it should be more like, "Yea, I see you there guilt."
It kind of goes along with the concept that there really is no self. Well, no permanent self anyway. even in our minds we constantly change from one minute to the next. We are very literally never the same.It's hard to pin down the self when there is nothing permanent about it. I was talking to a friend last night and trying to share this with her, but I don't think it came across well.
I'll get a grasp on it eventually.
Now, I'm curious, how many people frequent my blog and find it usefull? Leave a comment, say hello! I'm not going anywhere if you don't, but I'd like to meet you guys :)
Now, back to the Buddhism.
I find the Dharma talks at Against the Stream to be so helpful. When I feel frustrated I will listen to one or I will meditate and I feel a million times better. What are your experiences with Dharma talks? Have you ever listened to one?
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Loving-kindness and Compassion, Sometimes Easier Said Than Done
This one is going to be a personal one, folks, so hold on and keep your hands and feet inside the blog at all times.
I am struggling with forgiveness and looking at a situation with loving-kindness. Just the one situation, mind you, but yea, I'm failing big time. When Brice was in the hospital his family actively tried to split us up. I hadn't seen him for a week and I had basically no food in my house. Shit was desperate. I had no idea if he had started the process for his disability. I had no idea what was going on. Also, at this time, I was completely unmedicated. My anxiety was being an asshat. It was terrible. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack 24/7. Every time I would call up to the hospital brainwashed Brice would tell me if I wanted to talk about money he was going to hang up because his step-mother had told him my stress inducing wad "not conducive" to his "healing environment". I hear those words in random order and it pisses me off to this very day. Then his cousin came up there and told him I was "talking shit" about him on facebook. Apparently, letting people know where he was, how they could reach him, and what the situation was is talking shit because I told them he didn't take his insulin and that is what caused it. There was a point where he told me that his step-mom was telling him he was going to go home with them and stay there until he healed. It took over a year for that to heal in the end. So I would have basically been alone for a year. At another point he told me his family thought we should get divorced.
Well, at that point I was done playing nice.
I went up there and told him either he wanted me and his kids or he wanted his family. Sometimes you have to break ties for a while to rid yourself of a toxic influence. I had been trying for years to get him to take his meds, constantly fighting for his life, while his family did nothing. The only time they did anything was when it was finally a critical thing and then all they did was try to convince him it was somehow my fault. While I was there I found out that his step mother went so far as to tell his doctor our house was so filthy he couldn't possibly come home. Yeaaaaa, my house isn't dirty.
Fast forward to last week, I've finally started trying to accept at least his sister again. I don't really want to, but I also don't want to harbor all the shit I have towards her. I'm trying. his sister calls and decides we are all going to get together the day after thanksgiving, Brice agrees, no one asks me. Maybe I'm expecting a lot of him to consider me, I don't know. I didn't say anything for a few days, but the more I thought about being in the same room with his step mom and his dad the angrier I got. Me, the girl who was trying, really trying to let go of all this emotional shit I'd been carrying around and really doing it, was starting back at square one.
Finally, I realized I couldn't forgive these people.
I tried and tried, but I can't seem to do it. It's stressing me out. Finally I bring it up to Brice, I try to calmly tell him how I feel and a fight ensues. Now, I know none of this is worth everything it is causing and that my inability to let go is partially causing the suffering. How do I let this go? There has been a major breech of trust. I don't want to be around these people. Hell, we don't even usually see them on holidays. I don't know what to do. I need guidance, advice.
My question to you, when someone has hurt you so deeply how do you forgive them enough to be around them?
Help an Angry Girl out?
I am struggling with forgiveness and looking at a situation with loving-kindness. Just the one situation, mind you, but yea, I'm failing big time. When Brice was in the hospital his family actively tried to split us up. I hadn't seen him for a week and I had basically no food in my house. Shit was desperate. I had no idea if he had started the process for his disability. I had no idea what was going on. Also, at this time, I was completely unmedicated. My anxiety was being an asshat. It was terrible. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack 24/7. Every time I would call up to the hospital brainwashed Brice would tell me if I wanted to talk about money he was going to hang up because his step-mother had told him my stress inducing wad "not conducive" to his "healing environment". I hear those words in random order and it pisses me off to this very day. Then his cousin came up there and told him I was "talking shit" about him on facebook. Apparently, letting people know where he was, how they could reach him, and what the situation was is talking shit because I told them he didn't take his insulin and that is what caused it. There was a point where he told me that his step-mom was telling him he was going to go home with them and stay there until he healed. It took over a year for that to heal in the end. So I would have basically been alone for a year. At another point he told me his family thought we should get divorced.
Well, at that point I was done playing nice.
I went up there and told him either he wanted me and his kids or he wanted his family. Sometimes you have to break ties for a while to rid yourself of a toxic influence. I had been trying for years to get him to take his meds, constantly fighting for his life, while his family did nothing. The only time they did anything was when it was finally a critical thing and then all they did was try to convince him it was somehow my fault. While I was there I found out that his step mother went so far as to tell his doctor our house was so filthy he couldn't possibly come home. Yeaaaaa, my house isn't dirty.
Fast forward to last week, I've finally started trying to accept at least his sister again. I don't really want to, but I also don't want to harbor all the shit I have towards her. I'm trying. his sister calls and decides we are all going to get together the day after thanksgiving, Brice agrees, no one asks me. Maybe I'm expecting a lot of him to consider me, I don't know. I didn't say anything for a few days, but the more I thought about being in the same room with his step mom and his dad the angrier I got. Me, the girl who was trying, really trying to let go of all this emotional shit I'd been carrying around and really doing it, was starting back at square one.
Finally, I realized I couldn't forgive these people.
I tried and tried, but I can't seem to do it. It's stressing me out. Finally I bring it up to Brice, I try to calmly tell him how I feel and a fight ensues. Now, I know none of this is worth everything it is causing and that my inability to let go is partially causing the suffering. How do I let this go? There has been a major breech of trust. I don't want to be around these people. Hell, we don't even usually see them on holidays. I don't know what to do. I need guidance, advice.
My question to you, when someone has hurt you so deeply how do you forgive them enough to be around them?
Help an Angry Girl out?
Staten Strong, by the people for the people!
Today was the launch of Staten Strong, a charity to directly help the people of Staten Island started by the people of Staten Island.
If you haven't been following the situation there, they have been left to fend for themselves, basically. the Red Cross and FEMA have both really let these people down, but through a grass roots effort of neighbors helping neighbors, they have managed to start gutting houses and getting debris taken care of. They need our help, though. It is a massive undertaking to clean up the mess left behind from this storm and meany people have been facing devastation losing everything. They need tools, plastic bags, rubber gloves, baby formula, diapers, blankets, money, you name it they need it. Please take a minute and donate whatever you can. We may not live on Staten Island, but these people deserve our compassion and respect. The heart in that community is something we should all strive towards having.
To Follow them on Twitter go here https://twitter.com/StatenStrong
To like them on facebook and see their store go here https://www.facebook.com/StatenStrong
To follow Theo Rossi, one of the founders, on twitter go here https://twitter.com/Theorossi
To follow me on Twitter go here https://twitter.com/ladylennon1964
Here is the link! www.statenstrong.org Every little bit helps!
Please keep Staten Island in your hearts. They need our support for the long haul. It will take months for this clean up to happen.
Also, if you are a tourist in New York or you live in New York and have decided you want to see all the damage in Staten Island, please keep in mind this isn't TV these are people's lives. Be respectful, instead of going to take pictures and gawk consider volunteering and going out to help people rebuild!
If you haven't been following the situation there, they have been left to fend for themselves, basically. the Red Cross and FEMA have both really let these people down, but through a grass roots effort of neighbors helping neighbors, they have managed to start gutting houses and getting debris taken care of. They need our help, though. It is a massive undertaking to clean up the mess left behind from this storm and meany people have been facing devastation losing everything. They need tools, plastic bags, rubber gloves, baby formula, diapers, blankets, money, you name it they need it. Please take a minute and donate whatever you can. We may not live on Staten Island, but these people deserve our compassion and respect. The heart in that community is something we should all strive towards having.
To Follow them on Twitter go here https://twitter.com/StatenStrong
To like them on facebook and see their store go here https://www.facebook.com/StatenStrong
To follow Theo Rossi, one of the founders, on twitter go here https://twitter.com/Theorossi
To follow me on Twitter go here https://twitter.com/ladylennon1964
Here is the link! www.statenstrong.org Every little bit helps!
Please keep Staten Island in your hearts. They need our support for the long haul. It will take months for this clean up to happen.
Also, if you are a tourist in New York or you live in New York and have decided you want to see all the damage in Staten Island, please keep in mind this isn't TV these are people's lives. Be respectful, instead of going to take pictures and gawk consider volunteering and going out to help people rebuild!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Knits For Staten Island
Ok, I'm taking a moment out of my regularly scheduled blog to raise some awareness.
We all know how hard hit Staten Island and parts of New Jersey were by Sandy. One of the people I follow on twitter, the actor Theo Rossi, lives in Staten Island and his tweets have been like a play by play of the devastation. I've been shocked to learn that a lot of the help the people of Staten Island received was from themselves. It's actually pretty inspiring and a testament to the power of social media. They've tweeted locations of base camps. They've tweeted what things people need, where people are giving away food, messages of encouragement to each other. I've been touched by the strength in Staten Island.
In general, when you think of New York you think of tough people who can be rough around the edges, but now, when I think of New York I think of the heart of the people in Staten Island.
Watching the pictures and tweets flow in requesting help and showing the absolute destruction, I knew I HAD to help. I had to do something, anything. I've felt that way during these kinds of disasters before. If I didn't have three kids I would be one of the first to volunteer. I'm a hands on kind of gal. This time, though, was somehow different. One of my closest friends grew up in Jersey and we spent a couple of nights looking at pictures and I was just amazed at the power of destruction the storm unleashed. In some areas the beach was in the town. It was insane to look at. I can't imagine what it must be like to live through. So, between that and the tweets that Staten Island was receiving very little help, I wanted to take action.
I spent one whole day on hold with various charities in my area trying to find someone who was sending clothes and supplies out to New York, only to find none of them, including the local and state capital branches of the Red Cross, were sending anything but volunteers. I knew several people who wanted to donate things if I could find a way to get it DIRECTLY to Staten Island. I posted my struggle on facebook and my friend Bridgett sent me to a facebook page that was posting addresses accepting donations. I was elated. I went to the site and found mainly New Jersey addresses, so I posted what I was looking for and shortly after received an address that, much like Dori, I will always remember.
I started posting that address EVERYWHERE. My facebook, my twitter, anyone who asked, I gave it to them. As I saw links posted that offered a way to donate directly I passed them along. I decided I was going to send hand knitted hats in my care package. I wanted to send something that was hand made, something that says, hey, I took the time to put my heart into this because I thought you should know someone really cares you're having a hard time. I posted on Twitter that I was going to knit some hats for my box and a friend decided she would do the same. I was super excited, she even made a hashtag #Kinits4SINY .
Now, I'm asking you, why don't you knit for Staten Island? Recovery is going to take months, you have time. I bet the person who's head is warmed while they reroof a house that is just being finished in February will be glad you took the time to put your heart into some yarn and make a hat.
The address to send supplies to Staten Island is
Staten Island Recreational Association
599 Fr Capodanno Blvd.
Staten Island, NY
10305
Attn: Megan Delmar
They need cleaning supplies, underwear, batteries, tools, basic stuff. If you use it on a daily basis, they probably need it.
Here are a couple of links to fundraisers set up for people who lost their homes:
http://gogetfunding.com/project/chris-ostrow-hurricane-sandy-relief-fund
http://www.giveforward.com/forsterfamily?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_wall&utm_campaign=vanity_page&og_action=hug&fb_ref=434154
Share this blog with your friends and family. Heck, share this blog with people you don't like very much. Lets make a difference no matter where we call home.
Keep Staten Island in your hearts.
Edited to include www.statenstrong.org a non profit for the people, by the people!
We all know how hard hit Staten Island and parts of New Jersey were by Sandy. One of the people I follow on twitter, the actor Theo Rossi, lives in Staten Island and his tweets have been like a play by play of the devastation. I've been shocked to learn that a lot of the help the people of Staten Island received was from themselves. It's actually pretty inspiring and a testament to the power of social media. They've tweeted locations of base camps. They've tweeted what things people need, where people are giving away food, messages of encouragement to each other. I've been touched by the strength in Staten Island.
In general, when you think of New York you think of tough people who can be rough around the edges, but now, when I think of New York I think of the heart of the people in Staten Island.
Watching the pictures and tweets flow in requesting help and showing the absolute destruction, I knew I HAD to help. I had to do something, anything. I've felt that way during these kinds of disasters before. If I didn't have three kids I would be one of the first to volunteer. I'm a hands on kind of gal. This time, though, was somehow different. One of my closest friends grew up in Jersey and we spent a couple of nights looking at pictures and I was just amazed at the power of destruction the storm unleashed. In some areas the beach was in the town. It was insane to look at. I can't imagine what it must be like to live through. So, between that and the tweets that Staten Island was receiving very little help, I wanted to take action.
I spent one whole day on hold with various charities in my area trying to find someone who was sending clothes and supplies out to New York, only to find none of them, including the local and state capital branches of the Red Cross, were sending anything but volunteers. I knew several people who wanted to donate things if I could find a way to get it DIRECTLY to Staten Island. I posted my struggle on facebook and my friend Bridgett sent me to a facebook page that was posting addresses accepting donations. I was elated. I went to the site and found mainly New Jersey addresses, so I posted what I was looking for and shortly after received an address that, much like Dori, I will always remember.
I started posting that address EVERYWHERE. My facebook, my twitter, anyone who asked, I gave it to them. As I saw links posted that offered a way to donate directly I passed them along. I decided I was going to send hand knitted hats in my care package. I wanted to send something that was hand made, something that says, hey, I took the time to put my heart into this because I thought you should know someone really cares you're having a hard time. I posted on Twitter that I was going to knit some hats for my box and a friend decided she would do the same. I was super excited, she even made a hashtag #Kinits4SINY .
Now, I'm asking you, why don't you knit for Staten Island? Recovery is going to take months, you have time. I bet the person who's head is warmed while they reroof a house that is just being finished in February will be glad you took the time to put your heart into some yarn and make a hat.
The address to send supplies to Staten Island is
Staten Island Recreational Association
599 Fr Capodanno Blvd.
Staten Island, NY
10305
Attn: Megan Delmar
They need cleaning supplies, underwear, batteries, tools, basic stuff. If you use it on a daily basis, they probably need it.
Here are a couple of links to fundraisers set up for people who lost their homes:
http://gogetfunding.com/project/chris-ostrow-hurricane-sandy-relief-fund
http://www.giveforward.com/forsterfamily?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_wall&utm_campaign=vanity_page&og_action=hug&fb_ref=434154
Share this blog with your friends and family. Heck, share this blog with people you don't like very much. Lets make a difference no matter where we call home.
Keep Staten Island in your hearts.
Edited to include www.statenstrong.org a non profit for the people, by the people!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I'll Have What She's Having
You know, I know Buddhism has helped me be calmer, but I hadn't really seen it in absolute action until today.
Let me tell you something, I have anxiety problems out the ass. It is a huge problem fo me. I'm medicated, don't worry, but even then I sometimes flip out. Taking my three kids out to dinner causes me untold levels of anxiety. Often the phrase,"Amanda, are you flipping out," will pass the lips of my husband. Of course, I always glare at him, the heat of a thousand suns shooting from my eyes, and say,"No." I am flipping the fuck out, though. Inside my inner pissed off girl is doing somersaults and cussing like a sailor from 1941. It always ends with me needing to take a pill.
Today, we took the kids out to eat. It was already later than what we normally eat due to a doctor's appointment, so the kids were antsy and the oldest ADHD medicine had worn off. Waiting for a table the youngest and the oldest were fighting over who got to hold my hand and the youngest was blowing raspberries on my belly through my shirt. Meanwhile the middle child was eyeballing a lady who was very short of stature and, lets just say, he has no filter. All this going on and I am being bounced around like a damn ping pong ball and there stands the husband, oblivious. I took a deep breath and I looked down at the middle child and said, "Don't even think about it." Then took care of the fighting over the hand situation. I was quickly moving into freak the hell out territory.
We get to our table and our waitress is clearly frazzled. That's fine,it's busy in there. We order our food and drinks and wait. Then we wait and wait some more. My husband has made three trips to the salad bar when our food arrives, but we still have no drinks. Now, my youngest son is infatuated with trying to touch the lady behind us, so I am still on pretty high agitation mode. When our drinks finally get there mine is still absent.
Normally, this would be where I get really pissed off and shut down. Instead, I made the choice to look at this in a compassionate light. She was busy, who knew what kind of day the woman was having. Be nice to her, smile, tell her it's no big deal. Because, really, in s the grand scheme it isn't a big deal. I got my drink and isn't that what I wanted all along?
After than I calmed down and my kids started to listen. I had a good time.
It's crazy how something as simple as trying to see things with love and compassion while being mindful of what's going on can really change a situation.
for the first time in about six years, I successfully went out to dinner with my family and did not need to take an anxiety pill.
A Proud Angry Girl.
Let me tell you something, I have anxiety problems out the ass. It is a huge problem fo me. I'm medicated, don't worry, but even then I sometimes flip out. Taking my three kids out to dinner causes me untold levels of anxiety. Often the phrase,"Amanda, are you flipping out," will pass the lips of my husband. Of course, I always glare at him, the heat of a thousand suns shooting from my eyes, and say,"No." I am flipping the fuck out, though. Inside my inner pissed off girl is doing somersaults and cussing like a sailor from 1941. It always ends with me needing to take a pill.
Today, we took the kids out to eat. It was already later than what we normally eat due to a doctor's appointment, so the kids were antsy and the oldest ADHD medicine had worn off. Waiting for a table the youngest and the oldest were fighting over who got to hold my hand and the youngest was blowing raspberries on my belly through my shirt. Meanwhile the middle child was eyeballing a lady who was very short of stature and, lets just say, he has no filter. All this going on and I am being bounced around like a damn ping pong ball and there stands the husband, oblivious. I took a deep breath and I looked down at the middle child and said, "Don't even think about it." Then took care of the fighting over the hand situation. I was quickly moving into freak the hell out territory.
We get to our table and our waitress is clearly frazzled. That's fine,it's busy in there. We order our food and drinks and wait. Then we wait and wait some more. My husband has made three trips to the salad bar when our food arrives, but we still have no drinks. Now, my youngest son is infatuated with trying to touch the lady behind us, so I am still on pretty high agitation mode. When our drinks finally get there mine is still absent.
Normally, this would be where I get really pissed off and shut down. Instead, I made the choice to look at this in a compassionate light. She was busy, who knew what kind of day the woman was having. Be nice to her, smile, tell her it's no big deal. Because, really, in s the grand scheme it isn't a big deal. I got my drink and isn't that what I wanted all along?
After than I calmed down and my kids started to listen. I had a good time.
It's crazy how something as simple as trying to see things with love and compassion while being mindful of what's going on can really change a situation.
for the first time in about six years, I successfully went out to dinner with my family and did not need to take an anxiety pill.
A Proud Angry Girl.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Oh, That's Cool, That Shit Was Already Broken
So today's principal for discussion has to do with non-attachment to things.
Nothing is permanent. Not you, not me, not that lamp over there my kid is swinging from. Nothing. Often we have things that we become really attached to, I know I'm attached to most of my stuff. If it breaks we get really upset. Like, seriously I hate you forever for breaking that upset.
The Buddha had this cup, he always drank out of said cup and admired how the cup held his water. So one day, a student asked him why, if we are practicing non-attachment, was he attached to the cup. To this The Buddha replied, "Oh, this cup is already broken."
I heard that lovely tidbit in a Dharma talk by Noah Levine. And you know that moment where it feels like your brain just relaxes as something clicks into place, yea I had that.
Being attached to your stuff brings about suffering because stuff never stays the same, it always breaks. My Rock and Roll Hall of Fame cup that I swear makes my hot chocolate taste better, it's already broken. If you step back and you tell yourself, well, that's already broken, it isn't so disappointing when the stuff actually breaks. You probably won't be as apt to yell at the person who broke your stuff or try to convince yourself you can fix it. You can just say, well, it was already broken.
All of this ties into one of the biggest points in Buddhism: Impermanence.
Absolutely nothing stays the same. From one second to the next everything changes. One of our key survival mechanisms seems to be ignoring that fact. As humans we want things to stay the same, to stay comfortable. We fight against change. fighting a process that takes place around you all day every day isn't really the wisest thing to do. It's a lot like standing on a train track and saying oh, that's not a train barreling towards me. Just because you pretend not to notice the train doesn't mean it isn't going to slam right into you.
By acknowledging change and practicing non attachment we make great strides toward removing ourselves from suffering. Things begin to get easier to let go of. You aren't quite so sad when your favorite shirt rips and can't be fixed.
Basically, let that shit go.
Angry Girl, swimmin against the stream.
Nothing is permanent. Not you, not me, not that lamp over there my kid is swinging from. Nothing. Often we have things that we become really attached to, I know I'm attached to most of my stuff. If it breaks we get really upset. Like, seriously I hate you forever for breaking that upset.
The Buddha had this cup, he always drank out of said cup and admired how the cup held his water. So one day, a student asked him why, if we are practicing non-attachment, was he attached to the cup. To this The Buddha replied, "Oh, this cup is already broken."
I heard that lovely tidbit in a Dharma talk by Noah Levine. And you know that moment where it feels like your brain just relaxes as something clicks into place, yea I had that.
Being attached to your stuff brings about suffering because stuff never stays the same, it always breaks. My Rock and Roll Hall of Fame cup that I swear makes my hot chocolate taste better, it's already broken. If you step back and you tell yourself, well, that's already broken, it isn't so disappointing when the stuff actually breaks. You probably won't be as apt to yell at the person who broke your stuff or try to convince yourself you can fix it. You can just say, well, it was already broken.
All of this ties into one of the biggest points in Buddhism: Impermanence.
Absolutely nothing stays the same. From one second to the next everything changes. One of our key survival mechanisms seems to be ignoring that fact. As humans we want things to stay the same, to stay comfortable. We fight against change. fighting a process that takes place around you all day every day isn't really the wisest thing to do. It's a lot like standing on a train track and saying oh, that's not a train barreling towards me. Just because you pretend not to notice the train doesn't mean it isn't going to slam right into you.
By acknowledging change and practicing non attachment we make great strides toward removing ourselves from suffering. Things begin to get easier to let go of. You aren't quite so sad when your favorite shirt rips and can't be fixed.
Basically, let that shit go.
Angry Girl, swimmin against the stream.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Bowling for Budddha
First, I want to say that I am thinking of everyone effected by the hurricane. It is a crazy disaster that no one ever expects. If you're out there, help everyone. Take care of each other.
Now, onto the blog. Last night I went bowling with Hope, my other best friend. Yes, I have two. I'm super awesome that way. Obviously, bowling isn't about Buddhism, it's about knocking down pins. It's about being competitive and talking shit while you bowl like crap. Well, if you bowl like me anyway.
Anyway, you wouldn't think it's about Buddhism, but you'd be wrong. I was listening to a Dharma talk about being mindful and what that means the other day. While I was bowling gutter balls, it came to mind somewhere between saying, "fuck," and laughing my ass off. Maybe, I thought, my problem is that I'm not really being mindful of the moment. Maybe my issue was I was too busy trying to come up with a comeback after I threw the gutter ball to avoid the gutter ball.
So, I try it. I pick up my purple ball, which had already bruised my thumb but butch was purple I wasn't using another ball, and I marched towards that line, I did my ridiculous little hop and I THOUGHT about where I wanted the ball to go. I was aware I was releasing the ball and that it was going to knock the shit out of those pins. I got a strike. Hope was like, "uhh I'm supposed to be kicking your ass," and I was like, "Buddhism bitches, being mindful gets strikes."
Now, you say, "Amanda, fucking duh. You are supposed to take your time when you bowl or that shit goes all kinds of wrong," and that would be true. That being said, I'm not a patient person. I and definitely someone who lives about two steps ahead of what I am actually doing. In fact, I am thinking about how many hits this blog will get and I haven't even posted it. It's just a fact of who I am. Buddhism is all about the opposite of that; being mindful.
Take that a few steps farther and it is a great way not to get caught up in past or future. I don't know about you , but when I do manage to live in the moment I am a hell of a lot happier. And isn't that what life is all about, living through the great moments? Being a photographer I am always capturing people's moments, but I was missing out on so many of my own being preoccupied with what test on what bone would turn out to be what or what bill we could pay what week and what we could live without for a few days. I think, maybe, had I known then some of the things I know now I would have been able to step back and remind myself that worrying about the future wasn't going to change it and having a huge blowout fight over something that may come to pass is just such a waste of time and I might have been able to enjoy my life more. Sure, we were poor and shit was tough, but my kids were healthy and happy. Shouldn't that have been my focus? Who knows.
Now, I guess the lesson I am putting out here is, always be mindful of what you are doing. It seems so fucking simple; think before you do shit. Yet, a lot of us don't do that. Instead of complaining about the end of summer, be aware of the beauty of the fall because if you get so wrapped up in what you will do next summer how will you ever find the time to jump in a pile of leaves?
Hopefully someone out there finds this blog helpful. I'm just learning, so by no means am I a teacher. don't we learn better as a group, though? We are pretty social animals.
Angry Girl, signing off.
Now, onto the blog. Last night I went bowling with Hope, my other best friend. Yes, I have two. I'm super awesome that way. Obviously, bowling isn't about Buddhism, it's about knocking down pins. It's about being competitive and talking shit while you bowl like crap. Well, if you bowl like me anyway.
Anyway, you wouldn't think it's about Buddhism, but you'd be wrong. I was listening to a Dharma talk about being mindful and what that means the other day. While I was bowling gutter balls, it came to mind somewhere between saying, "fuck," and laughing my ass off. Maybe, I thought, my problem is that I'm not really being mindful of the moment. Maybe my issue was I was too busy trying to come up with a comeback after I threw the gutter ball to avoid the gutter ball.
So, I try it. I pick up my purple ball, which had already bruised my thumb but butch was purple I wasn't using another ball, and I marched towards that line, I did my ridiculous little hop and I THOUGHT about where I wanted the ball to go. I was aware I was releasing the ball and that it was going to knock the shit out of those pins. I got a strike. Hope was like, "uhh I'm supposed to be kicking your ass," and I was like, "Buddhism bitches, being mindful gets strikes."
Now, you say, "Amanda, fucking duh. You are supposed to take your time when you bowl or that shit goes all kinds of wrong," and that would be true. That being said, I'm not a patient person. I and definitely someone who lives about two steps ahead of what I am actually doing. In fact, I am thinking about how many hits this blog will get and I haven't even posted it. It's just a fact of who I am. Buddhism is all about the opposite of that; being mindful.
Take that a few steps farther and it is a great way not to get caught up in past or future. I don't know about you , but when I do manage to live in the moment I am a hell of a lot happier. And isn't that what life is all about, living through the great moments? Being a photographer I am always capturing people's moments, but I was missing out on so many of my own being preoccupied with what test on what bone would turn out to be what or what bill we could pay what week and what we could live without for a few days. I think, maybe, had I known then some of the things I know now I would have been able to step back and remind myself that worrying about the future wasn't going to change it and having a huge blowout fight over something that may come to pass is just such a waste of time and I might have been able to enjoy my life more. Sure, we were poor and shit was tough, but my kids were healthy and happy. Shouldn't that have been my focus? Who knows.
Now, I guess the lesson I am putting out here is, always be mindful of what you are doing. It seems so fucking simple; think before you do shit. Yet, a lot of us don't do that. Instead of complaining about the end of summer, be aware of the beauty of the fall because if you get so wrapped up in what you will do next summer how will you ever find the time to jump in a pile of leaves?
Hopefully someone out there finds this blog helpful. I'm just learning, so by no means am I a teacher. don't we learn better as a group, though? We are pretty social animals.
Angry Girl, signing off.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I'm angry, I like cookies, could Buddhism be for me?
There is only one way to find out if Buddhism is for you, try it. It doesn't matter if you scoff at meditation. As far as I can tell, most Buddhists have at some point. What matters is you read the teachings and you give it a chance.
I want to share with you one of my favorite Dharma Talks so far.
http://againstthestream.org/audio/item/the-fire-sermon?category_id=5
I love this talk. I love how Noah delivers it. I love the message of it. Noah has this way of just explaining the teachings in an easy to understand way. That is a huge thing. To be able to relate to the younger adult generations of today's American society. To be able to get them to believe in something outside themselves. Huge deal. In this talk the Buddha comes across some fire worshipers. He explains the four noble truths and the eightfold path in a way that relates to them. He adapts his teachings to use examples they will really get into. To me, that means his message was just something so important to him he wanted, possibly needed, people to be able to relate.
If you can adapt in life, you can survive. Maybe that is why Buddhism has survived so long.
Listen to it, even if you aren't interested in becoming Buddhist,I think you can still enjoy it.
He mentions suffering a lot. One of the key teachings is that life, the human experience, is suffering. Now, as true as that absolutely is, he isn't saying happiness is absent. He is saying that part of the human experience is moving from one type of suffering to another and that, in a lot off cases, we bring this upon ourselves. It's normal though, you aren't alone. The way I relate to this is that I have spent the last two years of my life going from one suffering to another and my mind was miserable because I craved a more pleasant path possibly an easier path, thus making me more miserable. To be able to accept the suffering in life without actually allowing it to be yours and shape your life is a big step in the right direction. To be able to say, well I can't afford to do these things that I WANT, but at least I can afford what I NEED and to acknowledge that this too shall pass is a really freeing experience.
So, I guess what I am saying is, there is no wrong place to start. All you need is to WANT to let go. If you are tired of holding on to the suffering and you find yourself thinking, gosh I wish I could eat this cookie without suffering the guilt, maybe you should listen to some Dharma talks. See what happens, Eat another Cookie.
Angry Girl letting Go.
I want to share with you one of my favorite Dharma Talks so far.
http://againstthestream.org/audio/item/the-fire-sermon?category_id=5
I love this talk. I love how Noah delivers it. I love the message of it. Noah has this way of just explaining the teachings in an easy to understand way. That is a huge thing. To be able to relate to the younger adult generations of today's American society. To be able to get them to believe in something outside themselves. Huge deal. In this talk the Buddha comes across some fire worshipers. He explains the four noble truths and the eightfold path in a way that relates to them. He adapts his teachings to use examples they will really get into. To me, that means his message was just something so important to him he wanted, possibly needed, people to be able to relate.
If you can adapt in life, you can survive. Maybe that is why Buddhism has survived so long.
Listen to it, even if you aren't interested in becoming Buddhist,I think you can still enjoy it.
He mentions suffering a lot. One of the key teachings is that life, the human experience, is suffering. Now, as true as that absolutely is, he isn't saying happiness is absent. He is saying that part of the human experience is moving from one type of suffering to another and that, in a lot off cases, we bring this upon ourselves. It's normal though, you aren't alone. The way I relate to this is that I have spent the last two years of my life going from one suffering to another and my mind was miserable because I craved a more pleasant path possibly an easier path, thus making me more miserable. To be able to accept the suffering in life without actually allowing it to be yours and shape your life is a big step in the right direction. To be able to say, well I can't afford to do these things that I WANT, but at least I can afford what I NEED and to acknowledge that this too shall pass is a really freeing experience.
So, I guess what I am saying is, there is no wrong place to start. All you need is to WANT to let go. If you are tired of holding on to the suffering and you find yourself thinking, gosh I wish I could eat this cookie without suffering the guilt, maybe you should listen to some Dharma talks. See what happens, Eat another Cookie.
Angry Girl letting Go.
The New Angry Girl on the Eightfold Path
Hi, My name is Amanda and I'm pissed at the world.
That would have been my introduction to people at large about two months ago. Hey, dealing with a life crumbling at a snail's pace will take a lot out of a girl. Don't judge. When I found Buddhism I was already trying to let go of all that anger I was harboring. It's like carrying around a giant leech that says bad things in your ear and you're all, "Ok, leech, I got this," but really you don't.
Had I known a t-shirt could change my life I would have tried to find it years ago. Through this one shirt I found so many avenues for change. At first, I was a little resistant to the idea of meditation helping me in any way, shape, or form. It was just something interesting to read about. Yea, well, we all have to stop lying to ourselves sometime, right?
The first time I sat down to meditate I fell asleep. Yep, the embarrassing kind of falling asleep. The one where your mouth is wide fucking open and a group of your husband's closest friends come over to find you cross legged in your chair, head tilted back, mouth open, out like a fucking light. Still, it must be doing something to have relaxed me so much, right?
So, I decided to try again. And I stayed awake that time. I love to use the guided meditations by Noah Levine. The Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society had some very helpful audio files on their homepage. Everything from Dharma talks, explained so even the biggest punk can get it and say ah-ha, to guided meditations.
Here's the link: http://againstthestream.org/audio
Now you go enjoy that. Seriously, Noah is fucking amazing.
This blog is my effort to show people things can get better. I'm just a newb to the way of the Buddha. I can tell you this though, I have never felt more content in my life than I do now. So, if you're like me and the world has got you down, but you want to let it go, keep coming by. We can take this journey together.
An Angry Girl once lived here.
That would have been my introduction to people at large about two months ago. Hey, dealing with a life crumbling at a snail's pace will take a lot out of a girl. Don't judge. When I found Buddhism I was already trying to let go of all that anger I was harboring. It's like carrying around a giant leech that says bad things in your ear and you're all, "Ok, leech, I got this," but really you don't.
Had I known a t-shirt could change my life I would have tried to find it years ago. Through this one shirt I found so many avenues for change. At first, I was a little resistant to the idea of meditation helping me in any way, shape, or form. It was just something interesting to read about. Yea, well, we all have to stop lying to ourselves sometime, right?
The first time I sat down to meditate I fell asleep. Yep, the embarrassing kind of falling asleep. The one where your mouth is wide fucking open and a group of your husband's closest friends come over to find you cross legged in your chair, head tilted back, mouth open, out like a fucking light. Still, it must be doing something to have relaxed me so much, right?
So, I decided to try again. And I stayed awake that time. I love to use the guided meditations by Noah Levine. The Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society had some very helpful audio files on their homepage. Everything from Dharma talks, explained so even the biggest punk can get it and say ah-ha, to guided meditations.
Here's the link: http://againstthestream.org/audio
Now you go enjoy that. Seriously, Noah is fucking amazing.
This blog is my effort to show people things can get better. I'm just a newb to the way of the Buddha. I can tell you this though, I have never felt more content in my life than I do now. So, if you're like me and the world has got you down, but you want to let it go, keep coming by. We can take this journey together.
An Angry Girl once lived here.
The Post Not Heard Around the World
First things first. What inspired me to do this blog? A copy paste from another blog of mine should help explain. So, without further ado, An Open Letter to Ryan Hurst.
So, yea, hi. It’s been a while, blog.
I wanted to find a way to thank someone for really helping me in a round about way. When that person is Ryan Hurst and you’re some girl who lives in Ohio, well, it’s problematic. lol
First, a little back story. For the last few years of my life I have been dealing with the fall out of my husband’s non-compliance in taking his diabetes medicine. He’s had four toes amputated and was off work. Take your insulin, peeps, it’s important. I had to get a crap job at a Walmart portrait studio and we struggled, a lot. It always seems worse when you’re in the thick of it.
Now, on to the reason for my thank you.
About two months ago my best friend and I were talking about Sons of Anarchy. Yep, we love that show. She was telling me about a picture she downloaded for her wallpaper and I was telling her about one I downloaded because Opie (Ryan Hurst) had on such an amazing shirt. I’ll post the picture in just a second, I know everyone likes visual stimulation. So my best friend was all, “Oh, really what kind of shirt is it?” So I send her a link to the picture and she agrees it is an awesome shirt. In true Hope fashion, she then goes on a hunt to find the shirt online. When she does find it (http://theidproject.org/node/773 ) she also comes to find that this is actually a Buddhist philosophy So, I was curious and I turned to my dear friend Google.
Here is the picture by the way.
Yes, that is the actual wallpaper on my laptop right now. I know, I know. I digress.
How to continue from here, hmmm.
Watching the breadwinner of my family be taken out of the game from late 2009 until August of this year was hard. On top of that is the lingering reality that, at age twenty-eight, you’re dealing with a disease that ultimately kills people and it is eating your loved one up piece by piece. By the time you start loosing appendages to diabetes it has already wrought all kinds of havoc you can’t see and coming to terms with the fact that your husband probably won’t live to be an old man is a hard thing to do. I’m not the only one who gets that. Many people have, unfortunately, been in my shoes. You lift your head high and you go on with life. You try not to be angry or resentful. You try to not hold on to all the negative emotions. If you’re me, and I am lol, you fail at that.
You think that once you come out on the other side of something like this you’ll take a big breath, sigh, and say, “Wow I feel better.” Really it’s more like this; Deep breath, sigh, “Why am I still pissed off?”
Fast forward to my conversation about the shirt with my best friend. We joke and laugh about how awesome it is. We talk about how Opie’s life is an awesome walk through a field of tulips. All the while, I am looking up stuff about Buddhism. At first, it’s just curiousity. I like to know about the things that truly define people. The way I see it, religion, faith, spirituality, you pick the name of it is one of those things. Basically, I’m that insufferable person asking you 48765345769453 questions about junk you don’t really want to talk to me about.
As I read things really start to click and jump out at me. I keep researching. And researching.
Then, another amazing thing happens, I start letting shit go.
Seriously, it’s like a little kid letting popcorn fall out of the cart at Target. I’m just watching it bounce on the floor as I walk away. For the first time in months I am less pissed off. Less pissed off is a great place to be. I keep reading.Everyday I am a little bit less pissed off as a person. I stop worrying about the disease and how much time it might steal. I let it go. Little things I used to really enjoy start to be enjoyable again. It’s like waking up from a deep, long nap. Though it hasn’t been long on my path of research and discovery, I have an a-ha moment. I want to be Buddhist.
It’s suddenly like my life is this open book full of blank, fresh, pages replacing the dark, angry, dingy pages that were there before. I really wish I could describe here all the ways that Buddhist teachings, the rather small amount I’ve read so far, have helped my life. I wanted to write this huge touching, but funny, letter of thanks, but it is so hard to accurately relate the amount of change I’ve seen from this.
Why post such a deeply personal thing on such a public forum you ask? Simple. When we affect massive change in someone’s life, whether indirectly or directly, knowing the person is grateful always makes us feel like the things we do are worthwhile. I thought about it for a while before deciding to go this direction. Hell, maybe someone will read this and get curious like I did and read up on it and be changed too.
So, Ryan, Mr. Hurst or whatever a random girl from Ohio should address you as, thank you. Sure, you didn’t walk up and give me The Angry Girl’s Guide to Buddhism, but you did change my life. Even if it was just a t-shirt.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)