So, you'll remember a couple of weeks ago my dilemma about my husband's family and Thanksgiving. I went back and forth about whether I was going to go or not. Eventually, I had decided to go. We bought all the stuff to make food, I always make his Grandma's homemade butterscotch pie, and everything seemed ok.
Until yesterday. It was D-Day and I was freaking out. We were supposed to be there at 5, but his sister called and said just get there as soon as we could. I hadn't started the pies yet and I don't handle schedule changes well before I've thoroughly medicated myself. So, I freaked out on my husband then apologized because I realized that I wasn't meeting the situation with compassion and kindness. I went into the kitchen and popped my anxiety meds to which my husband laughed and asked if I wanted him to put them in a pez dispenser. My answer, "Only if it's shaped like the TARDIS." About halfway through making the butterscotch for the pies I realized that I could feel the panic attack building up on the periphery. There are few feelings worse than a panic attack you know is coming but can't really stop. Sighing, I turned to my husband and told him I didn't think I could do it.
At first I was disappointed in myself. I f I couldn't forgive these people how am I suppose to be able to meet situations like this with kindness and not anger. Then I realized something, I already was meeting it with compassion I wouldn't have had before. If this had been six months ago not only would I have not gone, but I would not have wanted anyone in my family to go. It sounds like a heartless thing to do, but I wouldn't have been able to stand being at home alone thinking about all the things they MIGHT be saying about me, but like Linda said, it's not my business what people think about me.
That statement is a powerful tool in life. So I'll say it again.
It is not my business what people think about me.
Because of that single thought and trying to meet a situation with as much compassion as I could afford it, yesterday did not degrade into a knock out fight. There was no screaming, there was no yelling, All that happened was I calmly discussed it with my husband, forgave myself for not being able to bring myself to go, then allowed myself to see the situation with compassion and let my husband go without giving a damn what might be said.
When people asked me what I was thankful for on Thursday, without hesitation, I told them I was thankful for t-shirts that completely change lives. If you want to read that story I have it here. I really don't think there will ever be a way for me to truly express the level of gratitude I have for that man and his t-shirt. Literally this has changed the entire course of my life. I am so fucking thankful. Yea, the f-bomb is an appropriate way to express the level of emotion you have or at least I think it is. Maybe my gratitude is misplaced, I don't know. Maybe it is silly to be so thankful to someone for having a picture taken in a shirt that they probably didn't even really think about wearing, but I can't help but feel that way. So many things are different now.
I will never take for granted the smallest actions again.
My goal with this blog has always been to reciprocate on that small action. This blog is my T-shirt. I hope to be able to show people real life examples of how Buddhism can change your life. To give other Angry Girls and Boys out there the chance to see how simple and happy life can be. To give people the tools to change.
In February, Mr. Hurst will be in Nashville at a bike show. I have discussed it with the Husband and I am going to try to go. I am going try my damnedest to make this happen. To be able to tell the man in person, "Thank you," would be a powerful thing for me. It might creep his ass out, lol, but that is a risk I'm willing to take.
Angry Girl
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