Today my dog died. He was a great boy. I've had him for 14 years. since before I had kids or a husband. He was my first son. In recent months he had developed a degenerative spine disease. I knew he probably wouldn't make it passed Christmas, but it was still shocking for me. When I found him this morning it was clear it was the end. I bathed him, he loved warm water, I dried him, I wrapped him in a blanket and I prepared to let him lay with me until it was over. Because that is what you do for family. An hour or so in, he started crying and I absolutely couldn't deal. I called the vet, put Julian in a box with a pillow and a blanket, packed up my 4 year old, and took him in to have him euthanized. As we sat in the waiting room, my hand stroking his head, my boy passed. They had to refund my money, it was the strangest thing.
Of course, I cried like a baby. I buried him and then walked around on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. My kids took it better than I did, though my 9 year old has made a few comments about how he misses him. Death sucks. Death reminds us that none of us are permanent. Nothing is permanent.
Nine hours later I'm still sad. I've thought I saw him in the house twice. That being said, I'm taking it a million times better than I thought I would. Partially because he was in pain and partially because of the Dharma talks I've been listening to.
Tonight, to try and find some level of acceptance or at least not be quite so sad, I went searching for a talk that would speak to me. This is the one I found http://againstthestream.org/audio/item/on-loss
Against the Stream is such an amazing resource if you are a budding Buddhist in a place where the community is non-existent. I would love to go sit down on a floor pillow and listen to a Dharma talk with like minded people, but that is not something I can do in my area. With the audio of the Dharma talks from Against the Stream I can put one my headphones and hear the talk and feel like I'm there as I hear the cars pass by, the people shifting, all the ambient noise as if I'm there. I love it.
If you are looking for information and reading isn't your thing, Against the Stream is probably the resource for you. Many nights I've found myself on the site just listening to Dharma talks for hours.When I go to Nashville in February I'm going to try to see if I can go to the Against the Stream Center there.When I saw that they had one there I looked at my husband and said, "Holy shit, dude, Ryan Hurst AND an Against the Stream, that shit is a fucking sign," yes, I am a sailor and yes I do call my husband dude often.
So, check out Against the Stream. They are amazing. And think positive thought s for me and being able to go to Nashville and if I do get to go that Ryan Hurst doesn't have to cancel or something. Basically, lets hope everything aligns.
Angry Girl on a Mission
Sending many positive vibes. I have (had) 3 dogs that have all been w/ me 11 plus years. Like you they were w/ me before husband and kid. I lost my little boston terrier, Pearl, at the end of the summer. It is HARD! Bill and I still get teary 3 months later. Remember, we gave these little beings wondeful, happy,well fed little lives :o) We are all so lucky.
ReplyDeleteJaylee