Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Being Kind to Yourself on Father's Day

Hi guys!
     I'm currently on summer break before starting nursing school in the fall. I really hope to bring my own special brand of compassion to the job when I graduate. But that's a blog of a different color.

     This last weekend was father's day. For a lot of people this is a great day to celebrate their father or their own fatherhood. It's full of food, gifts, and smiles. For some of us it is a reminder of something we never had and likely never will. A good portion of us watch from the sidelines on that holiday conflicted and upset.
      Back story my dad was an alcoholic. He wasn't there for a lot of my life and when he was he was lying. He'd promise to come see me on my birthday and not show up. Once he completely disappeared with my half brother and sisters. I had no idea where he went for about two years. When he came back he basically told me he chose the drinking over me.
      When he got sick I was already into my practice. I decided that I was going to forgive him for my own sake. That I needed to be able to have this conversation with him before he was gone and have closure. I got to do that, but there was no magic healing. I guess that's why they call it a practice.
         This year my dad's birthday fell on father's day. I found myself being angry with everyone and everything. I had to step back and forgive myself for that. I tried to be kind to myself all day, but mostly I just felt confused and sad. i have some great friends, though. They kept me honest and  I made it through the day.
           Something you need to understand about people like me is that we don't want to take your happiness or your holiday, but we may not want to participate. It's not you and it's not really us either. Wading through the bog of crappy parents past on a holiday like that is hard. Some of us are in a better place than others. Every journey is different. We're glad you do not know where we are coming from. We just want you to be gentle with us when we need it.

     





              Now, for any of you out there trying to struggle through these feelings. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is nothing wrong with you. You weren't lacking some quality that would have made your parent love you or respect you more. The fact that you are here and actively trying to not continue the cycle of destruction means you are doing the absolute best you can. The anxiety and depression that this kind of parental relationship leaves as scars is hard to deal with, but if you need help ask. You will find support. It may takes years of soul searching, but it will eventually hurt less.


Be kind to yourself,
Angry Girl