Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I Haven't Forgotten You

This has very possibly been the most surreal summer of my life. It's been one of those times where you'd like to run from all the truth sprouting up around you, but the truth is not ever something you can deny for long.

Without the major changes I made in my life last fall thanks to Ryan Hurst and his shirt I would probably be going batshit. No lie. I would be ball of anger, regret, hatred, pretty much every negative emotion you can name. It just goes to show you that life has a plan sometimes. Or maybe I just got incredibly lucky, who knows?

My Dad's health has continued to deteriorate. Every life has to end, it is the only certain thing we know. If you are born, you die. No one has a promised amount of time and that is just that. I'd say this is my first, nonprofessional, brush with drawn out death where we have known for sure death was the end game. My mother in law was very sick for a very long time, but she always seemed to bounce back and spit in the face of the stats. She was a tiny, powerful woman. I'm better for having known her.

I think that this is harder, in some ways, the drawn out death. There are so many feelings you have to go through over and over. It wears you down. I have a lot of other circumstances that I can't get into here and they have not helped. Still, I seem to be holding my ground and acknowledging the emotions without letting the run my life. Which is quite a feat considering what an emotionally driven person I am.

Lately, I find myself thinking of everything that has happened to me in the last year. Still I smile when I think of the set of circumstances that led  me to what would change me forever. There is a kind of unspoken debt there that I won't be able to repay, but it's one of those debt you carry happily.

Now that my kids will be heading back to school I will find more time to post here and I promise they won't all be written with a heavy heart.

Angry Girl