I have been going through some heavy shit lately. Instead of turning to my practice I took on more suffering than I could handle and some if it was not my own. In my life I tend to overly empathize with the people I care about. I am loyal sometimes to the point of self detriment. It is extremely hard for me to draw boundaries between myself and those people.
As if it isn't hard enough not to take your own shit personally, I have to try to not take their shit personally too? Let me tell you, it is not possible to live under those conditions. Hell, I have only just started being able to get how to meet situations withe compassion. Buddhism is hard, people, but nothing worth doing is easy and it does change you. If you stick with it.
Today I was restless. I lashed out at people who had nothing to do with what I was upset about. Basically, I was back at square fucking one. It's been a draining week. So, at some point this evening, I decided to start listening to some Dharma talks, reading Against the Stream, trying to see if that would help. It did help, somewhat. Still I was so damn restless.
My next step was to start some meditation. By this point it was almost midnight, but I wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon, so why not. I started by re-trying Tonglen meditation. That stuff is intense or it is for me, at least. It was helpful, but I am still restless. I know that I will have to sit with this emotion for a while. I will have to process it and move on from it. I'm hoping to regain the level of mindfulness I had before the setback.
I've learned that I am only human. I will fall, stumble, and go backwards on this path, but as long as I get up, dust myself off, and try again that's ok. It's just the nature of life. You can't take on the world's problems because they aren't yours to solve.
Angry Girl, Forgiven
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