So, I've been trying so hard to delicately navigate the shit storm that is my family over the last couple of months. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been the same either. Dealing with a dying parent is not fun, but we all have to do it. I keep reminding myself that we're all dying, eventually. Time is not a hateful thing that loves to rob you of life. It's passive. It stands watch as life flows through it. Though we often try to make it the bad guy, it's not. I've yet to be angry that time is up, but I'm sure that's coming.
In my Angry Without a Cause days I would have dug my heels in and absolutely swore I didn't need to go see my Dad. I'd have been angry that none of my siblings seemed to have time for me. I would have been angry that my Dad was always lying to me. I would have been stuck as that little girl, crying on her front porch, waiting for her Dad to come see her on her birthday. Now, though, I find I can easily forgive. All I want is to spend what time he has left with him and try to get through this.
I know I have to sit with things how they are right now. Every terrible layer of emotion that I can't really control. I have to let them come up, acknowledge them, and let them go. Somehow that makes things easier. I've got other things going on right now too. I told a friend of mine that it's like I walked into a dark room, turned on the light, and all my parents ran away screaming, "Not it!"
Still, I'm not mad. disappointed, sure. Not mad, though. The practice works. Life gets better. You can be better.
Angry Girl
