Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I Haven't Forgotten You

This has very possibly been the most surreal summer of my life. It's been one of those times where you'd like to run from all the truth sprouting up around you, but the truth is not ever something you can deny for long.

Without the major changes I made in my life last fall thanks to Ryan Hurst and his shirt I would probably be going batshit. No lie. I would be ball of anger, regret, hatred, pretty much every negative emotion you can name. It just goes to show you that life has a plan sometimes. Or maybe I just got incredibly lucky, who knows?

My Dad's health has continued to deteriorate. Every life has to end, it is the only certain thing we know. If you are born, you die. No one has a promised amount of time and that is just that. I'd say this is my first, nonprofessional, brush with drawn out death where we have known for sure death was the end game. My mother in law was very sick for a very long time, but she always seemed to bounce back and spit in the face of the stats. She was a tiny, powerful woman. I'm better for having known her.

I think that this is harder, in some ways, the drawn out death. There are so many feelings you have to go through over and over. It wears you down. I have a lot of other circumstances that I can't get into here and they have not helped. Still, I seem to be holding my ground and acknowledging the emotions without letting the run my life. Which is quite a feat considering what an emotionally driven person I am.

Lately, I find myself thinking of everything that has happened to me in the last year. Still I smile when I think of the set of circumstances that led  me to what would change me forever. There is a kind of unspoken debt there that I won't be able to repay, but it's one of those debt you carry happily.

Now that my kids will be heading back to school I will find more time to post here and I promise they won't all be written with a heavy heart.

Angry Girl

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Living Life Through a Different Pair of Glasses

So, I've been trying so hard to delicately navigate the shit storm that is my family over the last couple of months. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been the same either. Dealing with a dying parent is not fun, but we all have to do it. I keep reminding myself that we're all dying, eventually. Time is not a hateful thing that loves to rob you of life. It's passive. It stands watch as life flows through it. Though we often try to make it the bad guy, it's not. I've yet to be angry that time is up, but I'm sure that's coming.

In my Angry Without a Cause days I would have dug my heels in and absolutely swore I didn't need to go see my Dad. I'd have been angry that none of my siblings seemed to have time for me. I would have been angry that my Dad was always lying to me. I would have been stuck as that little girl, crying on her front porch, waiting for her Dad to come see her on her birthday. Now, though, I find I can easily forgive. All I want is to spend what time he has left with him and try to get through this.

I know I have to sit with things how they are right now. Every terrible layer of emotion that I can't really control. I have to let them come up, acknowledge them, and let them go. Somehow that makes things easier. I've got other things going on right now too. I told a friend of mine that it's like I walked into a dark room, turned on the light, and all my parents ran away screaming, "Not it!"

Still, I'm not mad. disappointed, sure. Not mad, though. The practice works. Life gets better. You can be better.



Angry Girl

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Forgiveness: Act 4884634985

I was listening to a Dharma talk on forgiveness at the beginning of this path I stumbled upon and I remember Mr. Levine, no not Adam, saying that you often find yourself meditating and find that you are still pissed off about old stuff you though you'd forgiven someone for. I can tell you that's a pretty accurate statement. If we could just sit down and say, "Yep, I forgive that bitch," the world would be a much better place, maybe.

This week I've had a few things going down in my life. One I can't share because, while it involves me, it isn't my place. The other part I can share. I got an IM last Thursday from my aunt. All it said was, "Hey, can you call me. It's about your Dad." Now, you have to understand, my Dad is an alcoholic and has never really been there for me. For a few years he was. He meant well, but ended up doing more damage when he up and disappeared in the middle of the night taking my brother and two sisters with him. I was very angry about that for a long time. Hell, I was angry that he couldn't seem to stop drinking long enough to build some kind of relationship with me. I felt robbed of a relationship I seemed to think I was owed. (Life doesn't owe us anything, but that's another blog)

Early in my adult life I came to terms with he fact that he wasn't ever going to change and I tried to have some kind of relationship with him. Any time I called, I was angry. Even though I was trying to forgive him and get passed it, part of me was clinging to the feelings of betrayal and hurt. He lived in West Virginia so it was pretty easy to put it on the back burner. Fast forward to last week.

My Aunt told me he'd been taken to the ER the night before and his vitals were pretty bad. They also seemed to have found some kind of mass. They thought he may have TB or Cancer and he had pneumonia plus some infection they couldn't identify. He was in isolation and in ICU. That's a lot to process. I was pretty upset about it. I waited for updates the next day, but didn't get any until later in the day. Mentioning this is no slight to my siblings ( in case any of you are reading this) it's hard to remember to update a sister you've seen twice in about 15 years. I get that, it's cool, I don't blame them. That being said, it kind of leaves you feeling like you don't have a place in your own family. There are so many complicated emotions that swirl around this kind of thing. They key is to acknowledge them and let them pass.

Now, back to my point. I called my Dad the other day. My husband is off work for, hopefully, a final surgery and I have no  money with which I could even get to West Virginia, so calling was the best I could do. I talked to my Dad, chatted, conversed. I kept telling myself, there's no point holding on to anger, it doesn't hurt anyone but you. What's the point? And I may end up being angry again at some point, randomly.

Where forgiveness is concerned it is always best to give it for YOU. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling regret for something I could have had if I had just forgiven my father. I want to have a relationship with my brother and sisters. I don't want to hold MYSELF back anymore.

When we harbor anger, of any kind, all we do is hold ourselves back, cage ourselves, stop our own progress. Who wants that static? Forgiveness is key, people. Key. It's like the Doctor walks up and hands you the key to the TARDIS, but you throw it back in his face. Who does that? Don't you want to journey with the madman in the blue box through time and space? Life should be full of wonder and movement, not anger.

Angry Girl

Friday, May 31, 2013

This is Only a Test

This is a test. This is only a test. If this was an actual emergency I would be in the corner flipping the fuck out.

Oh, wait.


A few weeks ago my husband came out to me about the fact that he had been lying to me about taking his medicine for five months. Despite the fact that he has already lost four toes he still hadn't been taking his insulin or anything else. At first, I screamed. I ranted. I wanted to throw things, but I didn't. Then I was actually able to take a step back and say wait, you know I need to think this through before I say anything else. And that's exactly what I did.

My emotions, for once, did not own me. This is exciting news for me. Of course, the next day he told me he had a bone infection and would have to be off work again. Now, if you remember, this is what made me an Angry Girl to begin with. This time, though, is different because I am different. Through my practice I have been able to step back, most of the time, and not just completely blow up all the time. Let me tell you, that is a small miracle considering some of the anxiety issues I have. I do not like anything to be out of my control or, at least, I didn't.

The last month, though it has been full of hurdles, betrayal, and stress, I've been fine. I've slipped up. I've gotten irritable, but never for long. I am beyond grateful that I have my practice to help me through this. I can honestly say I am a changed person because of Buddhism.

I know this has been a short update, but some of this is still really to raw to type out. I thought you guys would appreciate, though, practice in action, which is exactly what is going on in my life right now. Thank you all for sticking with my blog. I am so honored to help anyone in any way through this modest blog of mine.

Angry Girl, Practicing.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Why I Have Been Wearing a Watch that Doesn't Work

At the beginning of the month we found a new home and began moving. It was in our kids' school district, an old farm house, and it had no mold. Unfortunately I have had basically no control over the move and that is not something I do well, give up control.

I found a watch that I've had since high school, but the battery is dead. I slipped it on with the intention of just getting it to the new house. Every time I checked to see what time it was I realized it actually served as an important reminder. Control is an illusion and you have to live in the moment and let go. Since then I have continued wearing the watch.

We get so consumed in what we're doing and what we need to get done that we forget to enjoy what's going on at that exact moment. The watch was a great reminder for me to step back and look around me. If you have a hard time remembering to live in the moment, like I do sometimes, I really suggest wearing a watch that doesn't work for a day or two. Clearly you'd have to pick a day where you don't have an important appointment or something, but it gives you a very refreshing reminder about where your attention SHOULD be.

Now that we are finally getting settled in our new home I will be able to blog more often. I've had a lot of trips and stumbles on the path in the last couple of months that I'm really dying to share with you guys.

Nice to be back!
Angry Girl

Monday, April 8, 2013

Are You A Vegetarian?

There are some people who believe that The Buddha was against eating meat. Others believe he would allow it as long as the animal wasn't purposely killed just for that person's consumption. It seems as thought it is a widely debated aspect of Buddhism.

I, myself, do eat meat. It's never really been an issue to me. I've been on farms, I've raised hogs myself. I've seen the individual personality that each animal possesses. I can assure you, no livestock animal is a mindless hunk of meat. In terms of non-violence, though I can see where some people would shy away from eating meat.

In recent years, many farm-related animal abuse cases have been brought to light. When you are trying to live your life by not doing harm finding out your morning omelet can from a farm where they keep chickens in cages next to rotting corpses can be a real turn-off. It's hard to get that to mesh with non-violence.

We'd all like to think our meat and animal products come from some farm where it's always sunny and the grass is the greenest, most nutritious thing ever. Sadly, the reality is that we can't be sure that what we eat comes from a farm that treats the animals with kindness and respect. While these animals may be bred for food, the do deserve a good quality of life while they are alive and a quick and as painless as possible death.

Now on to what brought this blog on today. I read an article this morning about activist who make covert tapes to expose farms for cruelty. As hard as these videos are to watch I believe they are a very important tool. Not only do they bring animal abusers to justice, they make the public aware of the horrors that can happen while bringing them their New York Strip Steak. There are several places trying to pass legislation that actually makes it illegal to covertly tape animal abuse.

Let me get this straight, we want to waste time and money, in an already bloated legal system, to criminalize the good guys?

Some people are saying that some of the things on the tapes, while shocking, are little more than typical farm practice. I cannot think of one single farm where it is common practice to burn baby chicks and break off their heads and I've been involved in farming since I was knee high. I understand that they are probably trying to keep from having farmers vilified because not all farmers abuse animals. We need farms. They make much more than food.

So when you are trying to walk a path of non-violence how do you reconcile the fact that your food may very well be brought to you by abuse?

Here's the article if you'd like to read it. New York Times


I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Angry Girl

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Moving!

Ok, guys, bear with me! We are moving and when the dust settles I will be able to post more!

Thanks!
Angry Girl

Monday, March 18, 2013

What Does Community Mean and Social Media Activism

Today's blog is all about community.


As Buddhist we are taught the importance of the Sangha or community.  It can help strengthen our practice to be with like minded people. We can do service with our sangha. Basically, the group benefits the individual and vice versa.  What I want to discuss, though, is the community we live in.

Years ago community meant something sacred. Today, I'm not sure it still does. My Great Grandfather lost half of his arm one year. He ran a farm and was in the hospital for a while, as you can imagine. When it was time to harvest the people of that small, rural, community came together and helped bring in the crops. There are pictures of it in our family albums. People milling about on the farm, long tables filled with food, smiles, worn out faces, all these things mean community to me.

If my neighbors need help, I do my best to help. This winter I often shoveled my driveway as well as my neighbor's. They are older ladies with declining health and they genuinely appreciate it. I do it with expecting anything in return and it makes me feel great to help. In a world where gratification has to be instant and we are all about what WE want and what WE do can help US, community has quickly lost it's meaning.

People often wonder what happened to our moral structure and want to place the blame everywhere they can. Truth is, we have become more concerned with things than we are our neighbors. We are more concerned about how much money we have and what it can buy us to look around and say "Hello," to our neighbors. How many people do you know that live on your street? I'm guilty of this as well. Ate the very least we should know the people who live on either side of us. Take a minute, step away from your tech and go say hi to the neighbors.

In a disaster scenario the people you will be relying on, in many, many cases, is your neighbors. They are the ones who will stumble out of the wreckage of their own homes and come save you from the wreckage of yours. The one s who will be with you as you dig out what memories you can. The ones who will be there when the Red Cross is busy wading through red tape. The ones who will help you when the insurance companies refuse. The ones who won't make you jump through hoops, but will slap on a mask, grab a tool, and ask, "Where do you need me."

There is no better an example of this being true than Staten Island. Like most of use who don't live near the East Coast, I watched the news in horror as Sandy battered the cities along the seaboard. Then, while on twitter over the course of the weeks that followed, I saw something alarming. The people of Staten Island seemed to be completely on their own.

Theo Rossi, yea the guy from Sons of Anarchy, is a pretty active guy on Twitter. His parents live in Staten Island, which is where he grew up, and he was visiting when the storm hit. He was vocal about what was going on in his hometown. People were missing, people were homeless with, very literally, just the clothes on their backs, damage was everywhere, and the people stepping up were people of the community, not of any nationally recognized organization. I watched as they let people know here they could charge their cell phones, where they had set up hubs to help everyone.

Most of all, I wanted to help.

I sent a box of clothes, I passed on the info about where to send it. Then I felt like there was nothing more I could really do, except retweet every bit of information I could and share it on any social media I had. To my surprise, it did actually help people. I was so excited, so happy to be helping any small way that I could.

I was watching an interview the other day where I was introduced to the term "Slacktivist". This term is what many say about people who retweet, repost, and otherwise share information about causes. I will proudly wear that term, if that's what you want to label me, because I know my slacktivism helps. I know my blog has lead people to Staten Strong where they can donate or buys shirts. I know, without doubt, my blog has helped. It's part of why I try to keep the awareness going strong. Without people to keep reminding others that there is still help needed people will forget and just move on.

For those of us who aren't living the situation it is easy not to remember that much of Staten Island is still in huge disrepair or that there are civil wars happening in other countries or that there are animals in need of homes or that there are children in need of an education. The only way to keep it in the forefront is to get the word out there.

The way I see it, the story would live long without the bard to tell it.

I think it's time we bring back the meaning of community that was held before. Get out, say hi to people, make friends out of neighbors, rake leaves, shovel drives, carry groceries in for people, just do whatever you possibly can to be helpful. Kindness is kindness in small or large doses, it's the same.


I want to leave you guys with a few videos of the aftermath in Staten Island. Keep spreading the word about the amazing group at Staten Strong. Help them help their neighbors.

You can donate or buy gear at: www.statenstrong.com
You can follow them on Twitter  @StatenStrong 
You can follow the one of the biggest hearts around on Twitter @TheoRossi
To see how you can help turn news into action on Twitter follow @RYOTNews
To follow a kind soul out to save the planet follow @iansomerhalder
                  You can visit Ian's charity here ISF











Lets take the time to grow the hearts of our communities, making life less about I and more about Us.

Angry Girl













Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Trying Not To Judge

In a lot of the talks I've listened to there is a pretty central theme about negativity; try not to do it. For me, judging others falls into the negativity pile. It's hard to be compassionate and show loving-kindness when you are judging someone.

Now, I'm not saying I never judge anyone, I'd have to go all Doby the House Elf and punish myself for spewing such bull. Judging is human nature and , just like all the other things Buddhism encourages you to go against the stream with, it's hard not to judge people.

We do it all the time. It doesn't have to be a huge thing for it to be judgmental. Going through walmart I judge a LOT, even though I try really hard not to. I know that there could be a million reasons why people dress the way they do. They could be sick. They could be poor (I know I've been there). They could just be secure enough not to give a damn. Still, I find my mind wandering and judging.

When you are actively trying not to be so negative the by product is that you realize how judgmental you really are and how judgmental and negative the people around you are. In one way it's really helpful to realize just how often you are walking around with bitchy thoughts in your head or saying bitchy things. If you are aware you can try more to stop yourself in your tracks. On the other, you can't control the people around you. If your friends and family want to be Negative Nancy's they are going to be that way. You either have to learn to deal with it or move on.

Here's a challenge for you, the next time you go to the store or just out in public in general keep track of every judgey thought you have. I bet you are shocked by the amount of negative cataloging of people you really do.

The upside to trying not to judge and be negative, as you do it less and less you actually feel better. You're happier. You actually become more optimistic about everything. It's definitely a nice change!







Later this week I will be doing a blog with all the resources I've found on child meditation and discussing how it's going with my son. If anyone has any specific things they would like me to touch on feel free to ask in the comments. I am by no means an expert, but I am more than happy to share what I've found with everyone. After all, this is my community.

I've also been thinking of changing blog platforms so that I can customize my blog more.Don't worry, BellaKarma over at Stix on the Beach let me know that I can set this one to show the new URL. Also, I will share it here if I do move. I'd just like it to reflect my personality a bit more.


I'm so happy that I have seen so many hits! Keep coming back because I am glad you're here!

Angry Girl



Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Keeping the Ball Rolling: Staten Island Five Months Later

             We're what seems like a long way from October, 2012. We've made it through Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's day, surviving some of the most hectic times of the year. The kids are back to school and we've all fallen back into out normal routine.
 
             Since Sandy struck the East Coast, leaving many homeless or in homes without power for weeks, we've had several shootings and a snow storm or two. Still, everyday I think of Staten Island from my home in Ohio. It got to the point that my four year old would ask me, anytime I started getting rid of stuff, "Are you sending that to New York."

              I think it's time for those of us who don't live on Staten Island, and have no friends or family to tell us, remind us, that recovery is still very much ongoing, to have a refresher. There may no longer be walls of debris in front of all the house, but there are still many houses renovating and dealing with the aftermath of the flooding and there are homes being demolished.

              This week on HBO's Girls, there was a session of Staten Island bashing. I get that being funny sometimes crosses lines and I also understand that this was shot months ago. However, the show could have used this as a way to raise awareness by running PSA's or commercials for charities. The absolute least the could have done was run a list of places to which you can donate to the still recovering people of Staten Island. In the aftermath of the show there has been a lot of talk of Staten Island, which is great, but lets make it talk with meaning.

              Today, as I was reading an article about the TV show, I also remembered another article I read recently. It had pictures of the devastation and it's a great reminder of why we still need to help. The article is located here.

              We need to remember that this is a community that, despite it all, has pulled together and helped each other. A community whose response to being forgotten was to take matters into its own hands and make a charity to help each other. Staten Strong has done so much and can only stand to help so much more. To donate, go to www.statenstrong.com they have shirts, hoodies, hats, or you can just donate money. There are no hoops, the help goes directly to people at street level. And once all this has settled, imagine all the good work Staten Strong can continue to do in other avenues.

              My blog has become just as much known for my support of Staten Staten strong and their efforts as it has as a blog about my journey into Buddhism, but I see the connection. Some of the main principals in Buddhism are compassion and loving-kindness. You find me a group that represents those two things more than the people over at Staten Strong and I'll buy you a pizza from Denino's, it might take me a while to get there, but you get my point.

             So, please, continue to keep Staten Island in your thoughts, lets make them the Unforgettable Borough instead of the forgotten one.


Angry Girl

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Mommy, look! I'm Meditating too!

My oldest son, who is 9, has been really curious about my meditation practice lately. It's really awesome and I love that he has so many questions. I try to answer them as best I can. He like to tell his friends that his mom is Buddhist and then try to explain it. I think that's adorable. The other day, he asked me to teach him to meditate. I was taken aback at first because nine seems awfully young for that. Then I remember that this is the boy who found his faith in God through Veggie Tales on Netflix. He is a pretty amazing kid.

 So I started doing some research. It seems that there are many benefits to teaching children simple meditation. It can help then learn to focus better and be kinder. In today's society, where children are eating each other alive, learning a little kindness is a good thing. In the study they gave the child a stone to place on the belly so they could focus on their breathing. It showed that it actually changed the brain. Changing the brain is a huge effing deal. Meditation could really be the revolution we all need.

 After reading about all the benefits I think I am going to teach my son meditation, if I can. I am only a noob myself, but I think, with all the positives, it is really worth a shot. My nine year old has severe adhd and other learning issues, if teaching him something that is so simple, that I love, and that I do daily can really help him, I am all for it. If this does actually help promote kindness and focus in children then perhaps we should be teaching it everywhere.

 I'll start teaching him tomorrow and I'll keep everyone updated on my experiment with it. It really is an exciting prospect not just because of the benefits, but also because I get to spend time doing something I really believe in with my son. As I am not at all a person who has faith in God I can't really share that with him. I've always been of the mind that he should get to choose his own faith. So, when he began showing interest in God, I let him run with it. It sucked that I couldn't really be of more guidance to him in it, but I was happy for him that he found something that helped him be at ease. Now, I get to share with him what keeps me focused and on the right path.

 Here is a great article on it, short and sweet, but gets the point across: http://www.vancouversun.com/technology/Neuroscientist+touts+benefits+meditation+kids/6158952/story.html


  I'll update you guys in a week or so. Maybe we can start a revolution!


 Angry Girl

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The End of The Tunnel

The last two days have been pretty emotional for me. I'm not going to share the catalyst, because that's for me, but I do want to share some things with you guys.

Most of my adult life I was lost in the dense for of fear, uncertainty, anger, a lot of negative emotions. There were times I was convinced I would never make it through. I thought I was lost forever like some poor girl in Goblin King's Labyrinth. Cancer, the bad health of a loved one, death, so much death. They tell you all things heal with time, I'm still not sure about that, but you can get passed all things with time.

Life has been trying to tell me lately that I am on the right path, and I don't just mean Buddhism. Every doubt I've had something has popped up to say, "Hey, you're doing it right. You've got this. It's ok." It's time for me to start listening.

When I started this blog I did it to pay it forward. An extremely random person, in an even more random way, had completely changed things for me and I wanted to let the universe know I appreciated it, so I wrote my first blog. It's been almost six months since that first blog and that girl writing that first blog is nearly unrecognizable to me.

Yesterday, for some reason, it was like it all hit me. I finally made it out of the long dark tunnel and into all the warm light I could ever want. I've been through the fire, the ice, up the mountain and down again, down into the deepest depths, and I'm still here. I'm still whole. I finally found myself again.

Don't ever give up. I don't care how hard things are, how beat down you feel,  never give up.

Angry Girl


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Buddhism, A Secret Society?

I read a blog the other day that an awesome Twitter friend posted  http://fullcontactenlightenment.com In it was a link to a blog posted by a teacher about using Social Media and Buddhism. You can read it for yourself here.

I waited about a week before deciding to blog about this because I wanted to be as objective as possible about it. Now, I am more of a Theravadan girl myself and so I, admittedly, don't know much about Vajrayana. I am not sure at all about their teachings or the style of the teachers. Let me make it very clear, here and now, that I am not judging anyone. Anything I say from her on is just my opinion and thoughts.  It's just a reaction to a blog, so be chill. 

When I first read Rinpoche's blog, I was actually pretty shocked. I wear mala off and on and have, in fact, taken a picture of my mala and posted it on Twitter. I don't see it as a "fashion statement", not in the least bit. I'm sure there are people out there who talk the talk but fail to walk the walk. That can be said for any path of life, but judging, and yes he judges others throughout the entirety of his blog, whole swaths of people is wrong. He talks about not judging others for their choice in style of Buddhism, but he, as I said before, judges others through his whole blog. 

Why is Buddhism, my choice and deeply personal, too good to be posted alongside pictures of my cat? I'm of a generation where facebook and twitter are hangs outs. Posting pictures is the equivalent of putting posters on your bedroom wall. I don't know about you guys, but I didn't put up posters of stuff that didn't mean anything to me. Why, then, does it make me a poser to post things about Buddhism?  I have news for Mr. Rinpoche, in my area, Buddhism doesn't make me part of the cool social tribe. I've never once felt that way. 

I would never censor myself on my facebook or my Twitter. If I feel strongly about something, I post it. Yes, I do also joke and carry on normal conversations, but I don't think it makes me a "so-called" student to share with others how Buddhism has helped my life. Though I am not of the Vajrayana teaching  I would find it very hurtful and slightly offensive to see a teacher keep talking about "so-called" followers. In this day and age you have to get used to Social Media as a tool, not something to be shunned. 

As far as "secret" or "hidden" teachings or only truly being Buddhist if you have had the right teaching from the right people, I am beyond grateful not everyone thinks that way. No way would I be able to find something like that here. I wouldn't be Buddhist without the teachers who feel that the internet is a powerful tool to help educate others.  

Take the guys over at Against the Stream for example, they have a great set up for learning. It's open to everyone from anywhere. This is the first place I went to and was able to listen to Dharma talks and do guided meditations. I am forever grateful to these guys. I really hope more people follow their lead. 

I do also use my Social Media, including this blog, to help spread the word about causes and some charities, such as Staten Strong. It is probably one of the most powerful tools I have seen. Why should anyone be judged by whether or not they post thoughts on their deepest beliefs on Twitter?


Angry Girl, Confused  

Be Kind to the Poor Photographer

I am taking a step back from our regularly scheduled blog to bring you a PSA.

Do you get your pictures taken at Walmart? Sears? Have you ever had to wait forever when you get there and thought, "Damn it! I made an appointment online why the hell am I waiting?" and then took it out on the photographer? I'm sure you thought it was their fault or maybe it just made you grumpy to have to wait. During the shoot, even though you told the photographer a million times you only wanted one pose and they kept going, did you lose your cool and get snippy? What about after when you had to sit through long sales pitch only to find the deal you thought you were going to get had changed?

Hi, I used to be that photographer.

I worked in all three studios in my town for over a year. I came into the job used to shooting on location and pretty much however I wanted. And yes, Sears and Walmart ARE owned by the SAME people. Everything is the same, the prices, the way they teach you to sell, all of it. Though we weren't allowed to mention that because of branding issues. They also own Bella Photography, Shooting Stars, and some studios in Target. Coming from a fully manual, no franken-tripod, fetter free camera to the set up at walmart was traumatizing.

Seriously. Ever tried to get a good shot of a baby that just learned to crawl, but you can't get down on their level? Yea, it blows.At least at the Walmart studios you can't.  Of course, we had the table we used to pose babies on, but a crawling baby on a table is a stroke waiting to happen. Luckily, I never had anyone fall off the table, though there was one near miss with a friend's baby. It's ok, we caught her. I've had many a parent suggest I pull out the white "sheet". Often, I found myself embarrassed to pull out the white muslin, which is, basically, a giant white sheet. We used to be able to take it home and wash it, then the rule was changed to only the District Manager could.Well, when your DM lives in  a different state, your muslin down't get a while lot of washin'. There were footprints all over it. Once I even had a guy drive his mobility scooter onto it (I told him to) and there were tire tracks on it.

Can you imagine, as an employee, having to pull that out and try to assure the people it won't look that bad on camera? I stopped saying it after a while and started laying white blankets and such over the spot I wanted to use.

Then, there's the prop situation. I had a ton of props at my house from my own business. At walmart we were required to shoot 6-9 sellable poses, when I left it was actually 12-14. When the only props in the studio are dirty white columns, scuffed up brown boxes, flowers, and pearls it gets tough. People want unique and beautiful pictures, I don't blame them. When your props haven't seen their prime in about twenty years it is hard to create that for people.

Now, Sears is a horse of a different color.

At Sears we often worked so understaffed that, by the end of the day, you had probably sweated off a small child's weight and most of your dignity.  There was much more to work with there and the tripod went all the way to the floor, which was great.

When you go to these places you have to understand that, for the most part, the people working there are NOT photographers. They are people who were hired in off the street and had no experience. That's why the camera at walmart focuses it's self and you can't move it. They teach you the basics and then throw you to the wolves. So if an asscociate seems lost, they probably are, but please be patient. This very well good be the person's first day alone and they could be swimming in deep water full of sharks while bleeding from an artery. If you get rude with them, they probably won't be very nice to you.

Please remember that a Walmart Photog is NOT a miracle worker. If you bring in your baby at nap time, don't get mad at them if they don't smile. When every trick in their arsenal has been exhausted and you still don't have a smile consider coming back later in the day or another day. They want you to have an excellent picture just as badly as you do, but that rarely can be achieved with a tired, cranky child.

Another thing to keep in mind, people sometimes have to drive from hours away to get to work. It's what you would call a "floating" position. People call off, constantly, and others have to be brought in from elsewhere to cover. If they are a few minutes late take that into consideration. Who knows what the road conditions were or traffic. I know it's inconvenient for you, but imagine what it much be like for them to find out they have to drive two hours for work that day and only got an hour and a half notice.

If you bring in food, snacks for kids is always a helpful tool for sure, please try not to string it across creation. The person working has to clean that up and be ready for the shoot. I once had someone bring in cherrios and cheetos for their toddlers. It wouldn't have been an issue, if they hadn't let their kids run around the studio stomping the food into the floor while they looked at the pictures. It was already a mess in there as I had done something like 5 shoots in the span of two hours and had another right after. Then there was the time I watched a parent sit and watch as both their children pour pop, one of them orange, out on the floor because they were angry then did nothing.

And a tip for those of you who get mad when you show up after making an appointment online and your appointment has been double booked. The 1-800 number and the website neither one have anyway of knowing if, when multiple camera rooms are present, there is enough coverage that day or if both camera rooms are actually working. This was a huge issue at the Sears I worked at. I felt terrible when it happened, even worse when some of them were through with me, but there was nothing I could have done. The close time was 6, but someone could actually schedule a 6. Sometimes I didn't get home until 9 or 10.

So before you go off on the photographer because you had a bad experience, keep a few things in mind.
1. This could be there 7th day straight working.
2. They could be new and lost.
3. They have probably cleaned up more after your kids than they have their own that week.
4. Nap time appointments are a bad idea.
5. They get paid crap and are expected to do more than you can imagine.
6. They could have missed lunch due to a walk in because if they say no they can be fired.
7. If something gets overbooked they can't control that.
8. They HAVE to do the sales pitch.
9. Cleanliness of backgrounds can't always be controlled.
10. They just want to be treated like a person, not a piece of equipment.


So, to sum it up, being kind goes a long way.

Glad to be Free
Angry Girl

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Heart of A Child

Tonight, inspired by our friends over at Chocolate and A Pen, I want to share a story with you.

As a kid, I moved three times before finally getting to stick with a school. In kindergarten and first grade I attended a small country school. I had many friends and I loved my teachers. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a kid, at least from my generation, who had a bad kindergarten/first grade experience. In the second grade we moved and I went to a bigger, in town, school. Being the new kid always sucks. Unfortunately for me, I was also socially awkward. I've always been the geeky girl, it's just who I am. At first, I had no friends. I was sure, once the year wore on, that would change. By the time I was bringing my stuffed animals to school so I would have someone to play with at recess it was painfully obvious that was not the case. I eventually made a few friends and, after the third grade, I moved again.

The fourth grade found me at South Vienna Elementary, the school I would get to call my own. On the first day I found a group of friends that have stuck with me to this day. When I walked into the cafeteria for lunch I shyly looked around for a seat finding the only table with room was beside a girl in blue shorts/overalls and the longest braid I have ever seen. Little did I know that girl would remain my friend well into my adult life. My first experience with real bullying came about when I made friends with a couple of girls. They were close friends and they brought me in. I was so excited. Shortly into the friendship they started fighting. Using me as a go between, they said hurtful things to each other. Eventually, they made up and turned on me.

After that first experience I was bullied constantly. Between grades 5 and 8 my mom had to change our phone number six times because a group of girls I used to be friends with had started calling me and saying the most hurtful things to me. I'm still not sure why I didn't just hang up. Why did I just stand there listening to them in shock? By the seventh grade, it became clear that my small group of friends were my only ally. I would never be the popular girl, not that I had ever really wanted that, but being an outcast was never something I had expected to be.

By eighth grade things had gotten so bad that I had begun coming home in tears everyday. I was called pizza face, told I looked like a boy, despite it being OBVIOUS I wasn't, called names, pushed. At that point I had very little self worth. Not everyone rebounds from this kind of treatment. Hell, I still have issues from it.

Add to this scenario a best friend, remember the girl with the braid, who was also viciously bullied and it's a heavy situation. I cannot tell you the number of nights I've sat with her while she cried, the times I've stood up for her when she couldn't stand up for herself. All the ways I have been her soul when her own had fled to the shadows.

Last night, in my area, an 11 year old girl took matters into her own hands. Because she couldn't stop the bullying, she stopped living.

When children are bullying other children to death at the age of 11 we need to, as a society, take a good long look at ourselves. A child should never feel so alone and broken that the only way out is death. This is completely unacceptable to me. I feel her pain. I know what it's like to get up and feel like your body is made of lead because you know that all you have to look forward to that day is the endless jabs. I've seen the devastation it leaves behind in others.

How did this happen? When did children stop being innocent and start eating each other alive? Our society used to be based on community. My Great-Grandpa lost an arm in a corn husker accident. While he recovered the neighbors brought in his crop. That kind of stuff doesn't happen a lot in our world.

It's time to end this insanity. The zero tolerance policies often blow back in the victims face, not the bullies. Parents seem to be apathetic to how their child is treating others. It's time to bring back the innocence of our children. I don't want to live in a world where this generation is in charge. So many of them are so quick to spew hatred without ever trying to understand or forgive.

I look at my sweet, loving, kind nine year old son and I see the pattern repeating. He's been kicked in the back, pushed, called names, and told Santa wasn't real. The sad part is that he has a developmental delay and will protect the bullies, trying his damnedest to convince me they were just playing so I won't go to the principal. I lucked out. He goes to the same school I attended and the principal was my seventh grade science teacher.

Mr. Justice is an amazing man. There has never been someone more suited to their job. When he walks down the halls the children's faces light up and they give him high fives and hugs. I will forever be grateful to the man for helping protect my child. I have no doubt my son is safe. I can go to him with any concern.

This world needs more Mr. Justices.

Please help me take a stand against bullying. If you were bullied as a child and have a blog please share your story. Lets send a message to the children who are struggling. You CAN survive and things WILL get better. You will not always feel lost in a dense fog in the dark night. Eventually you will find yourself and see that you were there all along.

Those of us born of fire can rarely be extinguished. We may sputter and burn dimly for a time, but soon our flame returns and we blind others with our resilient hearts. Though you may be burning low now, believe me you will burn as brightly as a star.


Angry Gril


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Hey! Shut the Door, You're Letting Out the Hot Air! Tales of a Buddhist Mom

I have three kids. the oldest is 9 and then I have one that is 6 and one just about to turn 5. As I was showering this morning, saying, "Please shut the door," for what I was sure was the eight millionth time, I had an idea for a blog.  Having kids really affects your practice. I know not all of your will get that, but it really does.

My oldest son is very into God and I'm ok with that. If he has questions I have to, typically, send him to his father because it has been years since I've been in a church and I don't really want to chance something I say may color his newly budding faith. Not far into my practice he started asking me questions about it. I was cool with that, too. He'd sit with me when I was meditating. It was awesome bonding.

Then, it happened- his younger brothers started taking notice.

Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my kids, but when you're trying to be still and focus on your breath having two small children basically climbing on you like playground equipment is distracting. For a while, I would try to meditate after they were in bed. All that accomplished was me waking up to the sound of the bell saying, "Wait, what? Ugh, fuck." Then I decided to try to meditate while the two oldest were at school. One kids couldn't be that distracting, right? Nope, even when immersed in a video game world of lego people that explode to bits, he would come straight to me when he knew I was getting ready to meditate. It was like he had a psychic ability for it. He could be in the playroom engrossed by Boba Fett attacking a t-rex and still, as soon as I would let my butt hit the chair, he'd come running out.

Now, I don't know how many of you have tried to focus on your breathing while a small child is on you, but it goes something like this. Sit down, headphones on, guided meditation playing, breathe in and out, in and out, in and out, then BAM something is tugging your hair. You try to make do with the situation just as you hear, loudly, in your ear (that they have removed the earbud from) "Mommy! ARE YOU MEDITATING!" By that point, I just shut the laptop and try again another time.

Even trying to meditate in the shower fails horribly for me. It seems like every five seconds one of them in rushing in to tell me the latest injustice done to them by one of their brothers or they have to use the bathroom. I've considered learning how to say, "Shut the door," in as many languages as possible just to keep myself entertained. My goal for the year? I want to take an uninterrupted shower.I know, I know, I have lofty goals. I should probably aim lower because it is more likely that I will meet Chuck Norris, dressed in drag, on the corner of Main Street.

How many other Buddhist Moms are out there? I know you hear me. Share your own story, if you'd like!

Angry Girl

As a side note, it took me about forty-five minutes to write this blog. In that time I had to get a blanket,be pillow, open a remote controlled mini tank, have several conversations about the Army of Darkness, and avoid a meltdown.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Hey, You, Stop Yelling at Me I'm Trying Not to be Angry Over Here

So a few nights ago my family and I went out to eat for dinner. Recently, our kitchen sink has had some difficulties which rendered my dishwasher unusable. The day after my meeting Ryan Hurst, I came down with the Flu. Needless to say, up until a few days ago, my sink was Mount Ick. Also during this time my van began to leak antifreeze. I spent at least one day outside in the cold, dying of the flu, replacing my thermostat. That didn't end up being the problem, but I digress.

My mom and I had discussed trying to fin the leak together that evening. Well, here in Ohio it gets cold pretty quickly once the sun goes down. As we go to sit down at Frisch's, my phone rings. It's my mom so, naturally, I answer it. She asks if I'm bring the van over that night and I say yea, but I'm eating right now, I'll bring it over after. She starts freaking out and saying it will; be dark by then. Ok, no biggie, I'll bring it over the next day, but I have to eat. She starts gettings o loud that people are staring at me.

\Where does the Angry Girl's Guide to Buddhism come in, you ask. Well, before I started skipping down the Middle Way Road, I would have completely flipped the fuck out if my mom had started yelling at me over the phone in a public place. You yell at me I yell at you. That was my motto. This time, as an older couple from West Virginia is staring me down, I took a deep breath and went outside to finish the phone call. I tried to remain calm and tell my mom that I had to eat and that she needed to stop yelling. Instead of the phone call ending in an out and out fight, it ended as calmly as it could.

While my bestie, Hope, likes to joke that I need to stop using my Buddhist voodoo shit on her, I think this Buddhism thing is really working out for me. I'm completely glad Buddha decided to break out on his own instead of continuing a life of total renunciation. I'm glad he accepted the yogurt from that girl who was probably thinking, "Damn dude, eat something. You're scary skinny."  though his ascetic buddies may have thought The Buddha was a poser for eating, I'm glad good old Siddhartha decided that wasn't the way for him

Hey, Mr G, thanks for being the poser who ate the yogurt.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

What Do You Do When You Have No Community?

In all of the dharma talks I've listened to and the books I've read a community or Sangha is really important to your practice. So, what is a girl to do when there is no Sangha? I've adapted the best I can  and kind of found my own online community of like minded people. Though, in real life, when I meet someone who is Buddhist I tend to not know what to do. I get excited and want to extend the branch of camaraderie, but I am so bad at talking to new people. It goes something like this.

"Oh, hi! I like your beads."
"My what? My belt?"
"No, your beads."
"My shirt?"
"No," reach out and touch the mala, "Your beads!"

^ That actually happened to me. It probably happened due to my mumbling. People just aren't my forte. So this leads to my next question, is an online community enough to fill in the spaces a Sangha should be filling? It's really the best I can do at this point. I'd love to have a meditation group of like minded peers, but I'm new to this joint. In my town  you tell someone you're Buddhist and they ask if you worship the devil (yes, that really happened to me, too.)

So, what are your thoughts? Is an online Sangha still a Sangha?

Monday, January 7, 2013

Are You a Spiritual Revolutionary? Then This Might Be The Book For You.

As promised, here is what I thought of Against the Stream: A Buddhist Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries.

As always, Noah Levine has a voice the people of my generation, even just the current generations, can listen to. He breaks things down, speaks my language, but don't take that as me saying he dumbs things down because he does not. There is heart and wisdom behind his words. When you read this book you understand this is a guy who is speaking from experience, not just saying hey, this works because I said so.

In the first section he goes through Sid's life (and of course I mean Siddhartha Gautama) before he becomes enlightened. He refers to him as Sid for the "purposes of sacrilege and brevity" how can you go wrong with that? He tells Sid's story and as you read you feel like you are getting a pretty good feel for the guy. Then BOOM, he goes all Against the Stream on everybody.

After he explains how The Buddha became Buddha, he takes you out to dinner, on a meet the parents style date, with the basic concepts of Buddhism. You get to spend time with each of The Four Noble Truths. Then he takes you for a walk down the Eightfold Path. Then he pulls you aside and says, "Dude, don't let the hindrances stop you," and tells you exactly what may lay in your path.

When the dinner date is done he takes you to boot camp. In boot camp he relays each aspect of the revolution to you and explains why it is not only necessary, but important. Many of the things said in this section of the book hit home. I didn't really have a good grasp on Equanimity until I read through this section.

One of my favorite quotes in the book comes from the forgiveness section: "We must not confuse letting go of past injuries with feeling an obligation to let the injurers back into our life. The freedom of forgiveness often includes a firm boundary and loving distance from those who have harmed us." If you remember my issue with the in-laws and forgiveness then you get why this stands out so much for me.

He also goes on to say this: "At a recent meditation class, a student said that she felt her forgiveness was a gift that some people hadn't earned. This is a common feeling among many of us who have felt injured by others. Yet does our lack of forgiveness really punish them, or does it just make our hearts hard and our lives unpleasant? Is forgiveness a gift to others or oneself?"

I know I have felt that way many, many times. The Angry Girl in me was of the firm belief that if you hurt me then I will hold that hurt inside and never let you, or me, forget it. It wasn't helpful. It made it to where I had a radio-flyer wagon full of hurt and hate that I had to tug with me everywhere. Hurt and hate are heavy fuckers, let me tell you. They weigh you down and wear you out until you are ready to pull that wagon up a huge hill and push them down it.

He closes the section on forgiveness with a reminder of the quote he opens it with.

"we need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour---unceasingly." --Hennry Nouwen

This is true, though you think you may have forgiven your brother for setting Skipper's hair on fire, one day you may be sitting there thinking, "Ugh, what was his problem? What did Skipper ever do to him, that bastard, " and realize you haven't quite gotten over it. All you can do is continue to say, I forgive you, I forgive you. Most importantly, you need to always forgive yourself.

In the section about death he says, "Our denial of death is a denial of life. Until we acknowledge death as certain, we will be tentative in all that we do, thus not fully showing up for or participating in the work at hand." In my early twenties I was diagnosed with cancer. You would think that would make me be all about living life, instead it terrified me. I would even actively avoid going outdoors (I had stage three melanoma). It took me a long time to let that fear  go and it sometimes still sneaks up on me, but you should never ever let it dictate your life. Want to go skydiving but you're afraid you will be the poor bastard that falls to their death? Do it anyway. Look at it like this, how bad ass would you seem when people had to say, "Oh they jumped out of a plane and died," right? Besides, death is the one certainty of life, everybody dies.

After you graduate from boot camp he hands you a field guide. In the guide, he addresses the issues you will find on the path while living in modern day society. He touches on community, sex, money, and freedom from addiction. It is important to mention that he does't mean just substance addiction. Addiction to craving and finding stability in an ever changing world is the root problem of suffering.

Finally, before clapping you on the shoulder and sending you on your way with a thumbs up, Noah hands you The Revolutionary Manifesto. In it he tells us to defy the lies, serve the truth, beware of teachers, and question everything. He explains the very core of his message. Read it with a highlighter, you're probably going to need it. I did.

"Holy shit, what about meditation?" you ask, don't worry there is an appendix with detailed instructions on how to achieve each of the meditations he touches on in the book. You can also go to Against the Stream and follow the guided meditations posted there.

All in all, Noah has once again shown us why he is such an important member of the community. He spreads his message with compassion, humor, and humility. You get to see that even those farther along on the path have doubts and issues to deal with. We learn from each other, daily, that is what community is all about.

Honestly, I can't wait to get his next book.

Angry Girl

Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Angry Girl Makes A Full Circle

Last night I barely slept. I watched The Hunger Games, listened to Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, and I wrote a letter of thanks in purple ink. You would think that, after thinking about it for a while, the letter would have been easy to write, but it wasn't. Deciding how much detail to put in it and how much gratitude can be accurately scribed without looking weird is quite the process. Hell, I even skipped the greeting because I couldn't decide between Ryan, Dear Ryan,or Dear Mr. Hurst.It took me most of the night to do it. It was completely worth it to me. When it was finished I felt like I had said what needed to be said and said thank you the best I could.

I had talked to my best friend from out of state and she said she was worried that it would be left behind before it actually was read. We tried to come up with ways to make the envelope flashy so it would be seen, even in the rush of leaving. My husband suggested writing Mr. Hurst in big letters on it, it was hilarious, but I decided against it. My friend suggested maybe coming up with a logo for the blog and drawing it on there.Eventually, after some pretty funny conversation, I decided on drawing a lotus. Taking 3 brown, recycled cd sleeves with me in the car I drew three lotuses and picked my favorite. Then my locally grown best friend, Hope, laughingly suggested I put @RamboDonkeyKong on it and so I did.

When I woke up it seemed like I had just gone to sleep. Though he wouldn't be signing autographs until   noon, I wanted to get there by ten. Knowing this may be his last stint through the bike shows I didn't know how many people would be there to meet him. Around 10:20 we got in line and there was probably at least twenty people ahead of us. Hope and I stood in line and laughed and joked with the fans around us. It was great. When he came out everyone cheered.

The closer I came to the table the more my heart pounded. I began to completely doubt this. Here I was, at a bike show, toting a fan letter that wasn't really a fan letter. For a minute I wasn't sure I would give it to him. My hands shook at the reality that I probably wouldn't get a second chance at this. How many times in your life can you say that you met someone who set you on the road to completely changing your life?

When I got up to the table I asked he if he would sign the picture I brought with me and he smiled and said yea sure. I slid the picture onto the table and smiled wide. I reached over and gestured toward the picture, "This picture completely changed my life," I slid the letter across to him, "and this letter explains the story behind that." Saying I thought I might puke is the understatement of the century.

Being the person I am I didn't know how seriously he would take it or if he would just be like, "Yea, ok." and pass it off to someone. When he looked at me sincerely and said, "I promise I will read it," I nearly died. That was definitely not what I expected. I had prepared for every possible outcome except him saying he would read it.

When I walked away I found out my husband had stood to the side with his phone and taken pictures of me talking to Ryan Hurst. He showed them to me and I nearly cried, what can I say, I'm an emotional chick sometimes.




The rest of the time I was at Cyclefest I walked around in a daze. I was just trying to digest what had  happened. It was huge. If you can tell someone thank you for something, DO IT. This has been one of the most cathartic things I have ever done. When I realized I was starving because, in an effort not to barf on Mr. Hurst, I had only eaten a bagel all day we left to go eat. We all sat around the table just talking about the whole thing. Right before we left, Hope turned to me and said, "Can you just imagine him getting in whatever car he will be leaving in and pulling out your letter to read it." Well, I can imagine it and I hope, wherever and whenever he does get the time to read it, my honest feelings make it from the page to him. I hope that he reads it and understands how much this has meant to me. 



Angry Girl, Floating


Friday, January 4, 2013

Don't Let Doubt Get You Down

Doubt is a huge hindrance in life. It hits you even when you are walking along cool as a cucumber and confident as ever. There you are, trotting along, and doubt pops up and says, "Oh hey, whatchya doin there? Don't you know you can't do that? It's too hard. It's just impossible for you."

The best part? You don't have to listen to doubt.


You can wave to it, say, "Oh I see you," and just keep right on doing what you're doing. That may seem like a really common sense statement, but unless you are mindful of your reaction to doubt then it is probably getting the better of you. I've let it get the better of me just recently. I was sitting down to write a letter just last night and my mind kept telling me, "This is a bad idea. This is too much. What the fuck are you doing?"  and I listened and walked away. Today, though, I am determined to write the letter. Doubt can kick and scream in my head and I'll just smile and wave.

I think that, in regards to the Buddhist path, many people let doubt get the better of them. I know in my area there is absolutely no Buddhist community and without the talks and guided meditations at Against the Stream I may have given up. It's hard to do something so against the norm and be alone doing it. It's the time when doubt can be heard the loudest. Still, keep plugging along, it's worth it.



Last night I finished Against the Stream; A Buddhist Manual For Spiritual Revolutionaries. In a couple of days I'll do a post, complete with quotes, with my thoughts on it. I loved it. Seriously. I have also started reading something by Pema Chordron, a Buddhist Nun. So far I'm really enjoying it, too.

I've been really excited to see that I've been getting steady visits. Hello! I see you! Welcome to my blog!

Angry Girl