Forgiveness: Act 4884634985

I was listening to a Dharma talk on forgiveness at the beginning of this path I stumbled upon and I remember Mr. Levine, no not Adam, saying that you often find yourself meditating and find that you are still pissed off about old stuff you though you'd forgiven someone for. I can tell you that's a pretty accurate statement. If we could just sit down and say, "Yep, I forgive that bitch," the world would be a much better place, maybe.

This week I've had a few things going down in my life. One I can't share because, while it involves me, it isn't my place. The other part I can share. I got an IM last Thursday from my aunt. All it said was, "Hey, can you call me. It's about your Dad." Now, you have to understand, my Dad is an alcoholic and has never really been there for me. For a few years he was. He meant well, but ended up doing more damage when he up and disappeared in the middle of the night taking my brother and two sisters with him. I was very angry about that for a long time. Hell, I was angry that he couldn't seem to stop drinking long enough to build some kind of relationship with me. I felt robbed of a relationship I seemed to think I was owed. (Life doesn't owe us anything, but that's another blog)

Early in my adult life I came to terms with he fact that he wasn't ever going to change and I tried to have some kind of relationship with him. Any time I called, I was angry. Even though I was trying to forgive him and get passed it, part of me was clinging to the feelings of betrayal and hurt. He lived in West Virginia so it was pretty easy to put it on the back burner. Fast forward to last week.

My Aunt told me he'd been taken to the ER the night before and his vitals were pretty bad. They also seemed to have found some kind of mass. They thought he may have TB or Cancer and he had pneumonia plus some infection they couldn't identify. He was in isolation and in ICU. That's a lot to process. I was pretty upset about it. I waited for updates the next day, but didn't get any until later in the day. Mentioning this is no slight to my siblings ( in case any of you are reading this) it's hard to remember to update a sister you've seen twice in about 15 years. I get that, it's cool, I don't blame them. That being said, it kind of leaves you feeling like you don't have a place in your own family. There are so many complicated emotions that swirl around this kind of thing. They key is to acknowledge them and let them pass.

Now, back to my point. I called my Dad the other day. My husband is off work for, hopefully, a final surgery and I have no  money with which I could even get to West Virginia, so calling was the best I could do. I talked to my Dad, chatted, conversed. I kept telling myself, there's no point holding on to anger, it doesn't hurt anyone but you. What's the point? And I may end up being angry again at some point, randomly.

Where forgiveness is concerned it is always best to give it for YOU. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling regret for something I could have had if I had just forgiven my father. I want to have a relationship with my brother and sisters. I don't want to hold MYSELF back anymore.

When we harbor anger, of any kind, all we do is hold ourselves back, cage ourselves, stop our own progress. Who wants that static? Forgiveness is key, people. Key. It's like the Doctor walks up and hands you the key to the TARDIS, but you throw it back in his face. Who does that? Don't you want to journey with the madman in the blue box through time and space? Life should be full of wonder and movement, not anger.

Angry Girl