The Angry Girl Makes A Full Circle

Last night I barely slept. I watched The Hunger Games, listened to Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, and I wrote a letter of thanks in purple ink. You would think that, after thinking about it for a while, the letter would have been easy to write, but it wasn't. Deciding how much detail to put in it and how much gratitude can be accurately scribed without looking weird is quite the process. Hell, I even skipped the greeting because I couldn't decide between Ryan, Dear Ryan,or Dear Mr. Hurst.It took me most of the night to do it. It was completely worth it to me. When it was finished I felt like I had said what needed to be said and said thank you the best I could.

I had talked to my best friend from out of state and she said she was worried that it would be left behind before it actually was read. We tried to come up with ways to make the envelope flashy so it would be seen, even in the rush of leaving. My husband suggested writing Mr. Hurst in big letters on it, it was hilarious, but I decided against it. My friend suggested maybe coming up with a logo for the blog and drawing it on there.Eventually, after some pretty funny conversation, I decided on drawing a lotus. Taking 3 brown, recycled cd sleeves with me in the car I drew three lotuses and picked my favorite. Then my locally grown best friend, Hope, laughingly suggested I put @RamboDonkeyKong on it and so I did.

When I woke up it seemed like I had just gone to sleep. Though he wouldn't be signing autographs until   noon, I wanted to get there by ten. Knowing this may be his last stint through the bike shows I didn't know how many people would be there to meet him. Around 10:20 we got in line and there was probably at least twenty people ahead of us. Hope and I stood in line and laughed and joked with the fans around us. It was great. When he came out everyone cheered.

The closer I came to the table the more my heart pounded. I began to completely doubt this. Here I was, at a bike show, toting a fan letter that wasn't really a fan letter. For a minute I wasn't sure I would give it to him. My hands shook at the reality that I probably wouldn't get a second chance at this. How many times in your life can you say that you met someone who set you on the road to completely changing your life?

When I got up to the table I asked he if he would sign the picture I brought with me and he smiled and said yea sure. I slid the picture onto the table and smiled wide. I reached over and gestured toward the picture, "This picture completely changed my life," I slid the letter across to him, "and this letter explains the story behind that." Saying I thought I might puke is the understatement of the century.

Being the person I am I didn't know how seriously he would take it or if he would just be like, "Yea, ok." and pass it off to someone. When he looked at me sincerely and said, "I promise I will read it," I nearly died. That was definitely not what I expected. I had prepared for every possible outcome except him saying he would read it.

When I walked away I found out my husband had stood to the side with his phone and taken pictures of me talking to Ryan Hurst. He showed them to me and I nearly cried, what can I say, I'm an emotional chick sometimes.

The rest of the time I was at Cyclefest I walked around in a daze. I was just trying to digest what had  happened. It was huge. If you can tell someone thank you for something, DO IT. This has been one of the most cathartic things I have ever done. When I realized I was starving because, in an effort not to barf on Mr. Hurst, I had only eaten a bagel all day we left to go eat. We all sat around the table just talking about the whole thing. Right before we left, Hope turned to me and said, "Can you just imagine him getting in whatever car he will be leaving in and pulling out your letter to read it." Well, I can imagine it and I hope, wherever and whenever he does get the time to read it, my honest feelings make it from the page to him. I hope that he reads it and understands how much this has meant to me. 

Angry Girl, Floating

Dharma Punx: Memoir of Punk Monk Noah Levine

When I started my search on Buddhism a few months ago I happened across a book called, Dharma Punx: A Memoir. After reading the description of the book, I set out with great anticipation to the closest book store, forty-five minutes from me, to buy it. When I started reading it I was immediately fascinated by Noah Levine's story. Here was this guy, truly suffering for most off his life, who found peace through the Dharma.
His path takes him from troubled kid to homeless street punk, to addict, to the spiritual path that saved his life. It was amazing to read how the Dharma affected change in his life, little by little. It reminds you that it is worth every bit of effort you put into it. It was through this book that I found the Dharma Punx site ( here ) and then the Against the Stream site ( here )

Noah has used his spiritual practice not just to better himself, but to better his friends, family, and community. Spending a large amount of his life in service he has had many amazing experiences. He has met the Dalai Lama  several times. Yet, through all his powerful experiences he has stayed in touch with his Punk Rock roots. He definitely speaks to me on my level and I really like that in a teacher. throughout this book he is extremely honest and that is a refreshing thing in that you get to see exactly what the dharma means to him.

He allows the reader to see how the Dharma affects even his most personal relationships. It's really an amazing telling of a story that is seemingly unlikely. Some of my favorite parts of the book are when he travels to the holy-sites in  Asia. You get a pretty clear picture of what it is like traveling in those countries and how much the experience did for him

If I am listening to a dharma talk, chances are, it is a Noah Levine talk from Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society. (here) I also use that link for my guided meditation.

I would recommend this book even to my non-buddhist friends. More than just being a tool to spread the Dharma it is also an incredible story about the human spirit and the power of hope.

Angry Girl

The New Girl Deals With Loss

Today my dog died. He was a great boy. I've had him for 14 years. since before I had kids or a husband. He was my first son. In recent months he had developed a degenerative spine disease. I knew he probably wouldn't make it passed Christmas, but it was still shocking for me. When I found him this morning it was clear it was the end. I bathed him, he loved warm water, I dried him, I wrapped him in a blanket and I prepared to let him lay with me until it was over. Because that is what you do for family. An hour or so in, he started crying and I absolutely couldn't deal. I called the vet, put Julian in a box with a pillow and a blanket, packed up my 4 year old, and took him in to have him euthanized. As we sat in the waiting room, my hand stroking his head, my boy passed. They had to refund my money, it was the strangest thing.

Of course, I cried like a baby. I buried him and then walked around on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. My kids took it better than I did, though my 9 year old has made a few comments about how he misses him. Death sucks. Death reminds us that none of us are permanent. Nothing is permanent.

Nine hours later I'm still sad. I've thought I saw him in the house twice. That being said, I'm taking it a million times better than I thought I would. Partially because he was in pain and partially because of the Dharma talks I've been listening to.

Tonight, to try and find some level of acceptance or at least not be quite so sad, I went searching for a talk that would speak to me. This is the one I found http://againstthestream.org/audio/item/on-loss

Against the Stream is such an amazing resource if you are a budding Buddhist in a place where the community is non-existent. I would love to go sit down on a floor pillow and listen to a Dharma talk with like minded people, but that is not something I can do in my area. With the audio of the Dharma talks from Against the Stream I can put one my headphones and hear the talk and feel like I'm there as I hear the cars pass by, the people shifting, all the ambient noise as if I'm there. I love it.

If you are looking for information and reading isn't your thing, Against the Stream is probably the resource for you. Many nights I've found myself on the site just listening to Dharma talks for hours.When I go to Nashville in February I'm going to try to see if I can go to the Against the Stream Center there.When I saw that they had one there I looked at my husband and said, "Holy shit, dude, Ryan Hurst AND an Against the Stream, that shit is a fucking sign," yes, I am a sailor and yes I do call my husband dude often.

So, check out Against the Stream. They are amazing. And think positive thought s for me and being able to go to Nashville and if I do get to go that Ryan Hurst doesn't have to cancel or something. Basically, lets hope everything aligns.

Angry Girl on a Mission

Humbling from Staten Strong and My Shirt Comes Home

A couple of amazing things happened here in Ohio today. First, I got online this morning and made my daily PSA for Staten Strong, a cause close to my Angry Girl heart, and a little while later I saw this

I feel so humbled. I help Staten Strong because I see the pictures and I think that could be me, my community, my friends, and it's a no brainer to try and get the word out there. I definitely carry this cause in my heart and always will. I think that we often reactively give to these causes that stem from natural disasters and then, slowly, as the media attention fades we forget and move on. It takes years to recover from something like this. I'll put it this way, there are still areas hit by Katrina that have yet to fully recover. Staten Island will need our help for the long haul and they deserve it. They shouldn't have to do this alone. I intend to remind people of this cause as often as I possibly can. Spread the word. 

Staten Strong site where you can donate or buy a shirt or hoodie and show your Staten Strong pride

www.statenstrong.com

Staten Strong Twitter 

https://twitter.com/StatenStrong

Theo Rossi (one of the founders and cast member of Sons of Anarchy) Twitter

https://twitter.com/Theorossi

Staten Strong Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/StatenStrong

The second half of my day came with the arrival of THE shirt.The shirt that started it all. The story behind the shirt is here, but if you follow my blog then you probably know what the hell I'm going on about. You know, I sat down today and I thought about everything I've changed in the last few months and I cried. So many things have been given back to me through this new path. No matter how many causes I help, how many individuals I help, how much compassion I show I can never do enough to thank the universe or whatever for just having Ryan Hurst get dressed in this shirt. Such a simple thing to do to give a girl her life back. 

How can I ever accurately describe the gratitude I feel, without seeming like that weird stalkery girl from the internet, if I get to meet him in February? Will it seem stupid to him? Will it seem like I've misplaced all this gratitude? I hope not. I hope that I somehow find the words to be able to explain to him what he did for my life. I have so many things running through my head about it. How do you get someone to understand something like this without seeming psycho? If you know, help a girl out. If I get to do that then I feel like this will have gone full circle.

I wear this shirt proudly. 

I will continue to use my blog to share my everyday experiences in growing on the Buddhist path, to help Staten Strong, and sometimes even just to make you laugh. I don't care if anyone ever comments again. If I reach even one person then it's worth it to me. If Ryan Hurst wearing a shirt and a thank you from Staten Strong (when I don't think I did much to be thanked for) have taught me anything it is this: Help any way you can, strive to touch people's hearts, leave an indelible mark of compassion on all that you do. 

 Angry Girl Humbled. 

Angry Girl and Relationships

When you carry anger and resentment with you like your security blanket, your relationships suffer. As a married woman I can honestly say anger and resentment, no matter how easy they are to harbor, are poison to a marriage.

Sunday, this Angry Girl and her Husband went out on a date. We don't get to do it that often because it is hard to find someone to watch our kids. No idea why, it just is. So we go to  a movie and we go do some shopping, then we go out to eat. Somehow we get into a really deep discussion about our marriage as it was and how far I seem to have come in the last few months. This leads to my husband confessing that he knows he has treated me badly in the past and how sorry he is. I was shocked. Only a few months ago even trying to bring this up would have pissed me off. I would have been convinced it was just another ploy to blame me for shit I didn't cause. It is so easy to jump to anger when it is all you seem to be filled with. You can use anger as a shield and many people probably do.

Yesterday, for the first time in my adult life, I met the conversation with compassion and was mindful of my words and emotions. I understood that the past was just that, the past. It was a very healing moment for me. When you are full of delusions about how others feel about you how do you let them get their actual thoughts out? You don't because you don't want to hear the bullshit you are sure you are about to hear. The anger clouds your judgement. Don't let it. Don't waste your time with it. Seriously, don't. Meet the situation with compassion and allow yourself to grow passed it.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I may actually get to have a partner in life. It's exciting. I know we won't always get along because no one ever does. It's what impermanence is all about. It's nice to know that we can actually discuss things now.

Sunday cemented my commitment to this path. It made me that much more grateful to the odd turn of events that set me on this road. One day I will thank that person. I will. It may sound like a dumb thing to be resolved to accomplish, but for me this has been an eye opening few months. Relationships have been mended. I've been changed. I've learned so much that I hadn't understood before.

Anger is poison, guys, let it go at every opportunity you have.


Angry Girl Grateful

Oh, You really Hate My Black Weasley Guts? That's Cool, I'm Not Going to Suffer About It.

So, someone pointed out to me last week that what others think of you is none of your business. Isn't that a great thought? You hate me? That's none of my business. Awesome.

After that, I decided to listen to a Dharma talk about forgiveness. The Buddha said that if anyone is deserving of your forgiveness and compassion it is yourself. So in other words, if you are going to forgive someone forgive yourself fist. We are only human. We fuck up.

A lot of us hold on to the criticism laid upon them and then they internalize it and use it to criticize themselves. Hell, during meditation I criticize myself. I think we all do, apparently Noah Levine does and he's been doing this for a very long time. I have anxiety problems, so if I meditate after my medication has worn off for the day, good lord, forget about it. I have to remind myself to pay attention to my breath once every five seconds until I am screaming in my head, "Hey fucker, it's simple pay attention to the in and out of your fucking breath, come on, it isn't rocket science!"

Well in that Dharma talk I learned that I need to look at it more like," Dude, I get it, it's cool. I forgive you, lets try this shit again." But you can apply that to pretty much everything. You have to meet things that hurt you with compassion.That includes the words of others, but,like Linda said to me, it is also not our business what others think of us. It kind of makes you sit back and go, "Whoa, wait, all these years I gave a shit if people said mean stuff about me it was none of my business? But it was about ME, doesn't that inherently make it my business?" It isn't really about you. We are impermanent, we change from second to second. By the time gossip reaches you it has been out there a while, you aren't that person anymore. It's none of your business what other people think of you.

Forgiving yourself is hard. I can forgive myself in one minute for something and then five minutes later I'm thinking about that shit again. Blaming myself again. That's why they call it practice, you don't get it right away, you go at it with compassion and remind yourself you forgave yourself for that already. Offer yourself the forgiveness you can in that moment. If you need to do it again in another moment, do it.

So, I guess the moral of this blog is if the girl across the hall is telling people you are a a mindless piece of trash, it doesn't matter because it is none of your business. Forgive her, then when your mind thinks what a bitch she is five minutes later, forgive yourself for not being perfect, smile, and forgive her ass again.


Angry Girl Out.

Bowling for Budddha

First, I want to say that I am thinking of everyone effected by the hurricane. It is a crazy disaster that no one ever expects. If you're out there, help everyone. Take care of each other.



Now, onto the blog. Last night I went bowling with Hope, my other best friend. Yes, I have two. I'm super awesome that way. Obviously, bowling isn't about Buddhism, it's about knocking down pins. It's about being competitive and talking shit while you bowl like crap. Well, if you bowl like me anyway.

Anyway, you wouldn't think it's about Buddhism, but you'd be wrong. I was listening to a Dharma talk about being mindful and what that means the other day. While I was bowling gutter balls, it came to mind somewhere between saying, "fuck," and laughing my ass off. Maybe, I thought, my problem is that I'm not really being mindful of the moment. Maybe my issue was I was too busy trying to come up with a comeback after I threw the gutter ball to avoid the gutter ball.

So, I try it. I pick up my purple ball, which had already bruised my thumb but butch was purple I wasn't using another ball, and I marched towards that line, I did my ridiculous little hop and I THOUGHT about where I wanted the ball to go. I was aware I was releasing the ball and that it was going to knock the shit out of those pins. I got a strike. Hope was like, "uhh I'm supposed to be kicking your ass," and I was like, "Buddhism bitches, being mindful gets strikes."

Now, you say, "Amanda, fucking duh. You are supposed to take your time when you bowl or that shit goes all kinds of wrong," and that would be true. That being said, I'm not a patient person. I and definitely someone who lives about two steps ahead of what I am actually doing. In fact, I am thinking about how many hits this blog will get and I haven't even posted it. It's just a fact of who I am. Buddhism is all about the opposite of that; being mindful.

Take that a few steps farther and it is a great way not to get caught up in past or future. I don't know about you , but when I do manage to live in the moment I am a hell of a lot happier.  And isn't that what life is all about, living through the great moments? Being a photographer I am always capturing people's moments, but I was missing out on so many of my own being preoccupied with what test on what bone would turn out to be what or what bill we could pay what week and what we could live without for a few days. I think, maybe, had I known then some of the things I know now I would have been able to step back and remind myself that worrying about the future wasn't going to change it and having a huge blowout fight over something that may come to pass is just such a waste of time and I might have been able to enjoy my life more. Sure, we were poor and shit was tough, but my kids were healthy and happy. Shouldn't that have been my focus? Who knows.

Now, I guess the lesson I am putting out here is, always be mindful of what you are doing. It seems so fucking simple; think before you do shit. Yet, a lot of us don't do that. Instead of complaining about the end of summer, be aware of the beauty of the fall because if you get so wrapped up in what you will do next summer how will you ever find the time to jump in a pile of leaves?


Hopefully someone out there finds this blog helpful. I'm just learning, so by no means am I a teacher. don't we learn better as a group, though? We are pretty social animals.

Angry Girl, signing off.

I'm angry, I like cookies, could Buddhism be for me?

There is only one way to find out if Buddhism is for you, try it. It doesn't matter if you scoff at meditation. As far as I can tell, most Buddhists have at some point. What matters is you read the teachings and you give it a chance.


I want to share with you one of my favorite Dharma Talks so far.

http://againstthestream.org/audio/item/the-fire-sermon?category_id=5


I love this talk. I love how Noah delivers it. I love the message of it. Noah has this way of just explaining the teachings in an easy to understand way. That is a huge thing. To be able to relate to the younger adult generations of today's American society. To be able to get them to believe in something outside themselves. Huge deal. In this talk the Buddha comes across some fire worshipers. He explains the four noble truths and the eightfold path in a way that relates to them. He adapts his teachings to use examples they will really get into. To me, that means his message was just something so important to him he wanted, possibly needed, people to be able to relate.


If you can adapt in life, you can survive. Maybe that is why Buddhism has survived so long.


Listen to it, even if you aren't interested in becoming Buddhist,I think you can still enjoy it.


He mentions suffering a lot. One of the key teachings is that life, the human experience, is suffering. Now, as true as that absolutely is, he isn't saying happiness is absent. He is saying that part of the human experience is moving from one type of suffering to another and that, in a lot off cases, we bring this upon ourselves. It's normal though, you aren't alone. The way I relate to this is that I have spent the last two years of my life going from one suffering to another and my mind was miserable because I craved a more pleasant path possibly an easier path, thus making me more miserable. To be able to accept the suffering in life without actually allowing it to be yours and shape your life is a big step in the right direction. To be able to say, well I can't afford to do these things that I WANT, but at least I can afford what I NEED and to acknowledge that this too shall pass is a really freeing experience.

So, I guess what I am saying is, there is no wrong place to start. All you need is to WANT to let go. If you are tired of holding on to the suffering and you find yourself thinking, gosh I wish I could eat this cookie without suffering the guilt, maybe you should listen to some Dharma talks. See what happens, Eat another Cookie.

Angry Girl letting Go.

The New Angry Girl on the Eightfold Path

Hi, My name is Amanda and I'm pissed at the world.

That would have been my introduction to people at large about two months ago. Hey, dealing with a life crumbling at a snail's pace will take a lot out of a girl. Don't judge. When I found Buddhism I was already trying to let go of all that anger I was harboring. It's like carrying around a giant leech that says bad things in your ear and you're all, "Ok, leech, I got this," but really you don't.

Had I known a t-shirt could change my life I would have tried to find it years ago. Through this one shirt I found so many avenues for change. At first, I was a little resistant to the idea of meditation helping me in any way, shape, or form. It was just something interesting to read about. Yea, well, we all have to stop lying to ourselves sometime, right?

The first time I sat down to meditate I fell asleep. Yep, the embarrassing kind of falling asleep. The one where your mouth is wide fucking open and a group of your husband's closest friends come over to find you cross legged in your chair, head tilted back, mouth open, out like a fucking light. Still, it must be doing something to have relaxed me so much, right?

So, I decided to try again. And I stayed awake that time. I love to use the guided meditations by Noah Levine. The Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society had some very helpful audio files on their homepage. Everything from Dharma talks, explained so even the biggest punk can get it and say ah-ha, to guided meditations.

Here's the link:  http://againstthestream.org/audio

Now you go enjoy that. Seriously, Noah is fucking amazing.

This blog is my effort to show people things can get better. I'm just a newb to the way of the Buddha. I can tell you this though, I have never felt more content in my life than I do now. So, if you're like me and the world has got you down, but you want to let it go, keep coming by. We can take this journey together.

An Angry Girl once lived here.

The Post Not Heard Around the World

First things first. What inspired me to do this blog? A copy paste from another blog of mine should help explain. So, without further ado, An Open Letter to Ryan Hurst.

So, yea, hi. It’s been a while, blog.

I wanted to find a way to thank someone for really helping me in a round about way. When that person is Ryan Hurst and you’re some girl who lives in Ohio, well, it’s problematic. lol

First, a little back story. For the last few years of my life I have been dealing with the fall out of my husband’s non-compliance in taking his diabetes medicine. He’s had four toes amputated and was off work. Take your insulin, peeps, it’s important. I had to get a crap job at a Walmart portrait studio and we struggled, a lot. It always seems worse when you’re in the thick of it.

Now, on to the reason for my thank you.

About two months ago my best friend and I were talking about Sons of Anarchy. Yep, we love that show. She was telling me about a picture she downloaded for her wallpaper and I was telling her about one I downloaded because Opie (Ryan Hurst) had on such an amazing shirt. I’ll post the picture in just a second, I know everyone likes visual stimulation. So my best friend was all, “Oh, really what kind of shirt is it?” So I send her a link to the picture and she agrees it is an awesome shirt. In true Hope fashion, she then goes on a hunt to find the shirt online. When she does find it (http://theidproject.org/node/773 ) she also comes to find that this is actually a Buddhist philosophy  So, I was curious and I turned to my dear friend Google.

Here is the picture by the way.

Yes, that is the actual wallpaper on my laptop right now. I know, I know. I digress.

How to continue from here, hmmm.

Watching the breadwinner of my family be taken out of the game from late 2009 until August of this year was hard.  On top of that is the lingering reality that, at age twenty-eight, you’re dealing with a disease that ultimately kills people and it is eating your loved one up piece by piece. By the time you start loosing appendages to diabetes it has already wrought all kinds of havoc you can’t see and coming to terms with the fact that your husband probably won’t live to be an old man is a hard thing to do. I’m not the only one who gets that. Many people have, unfortunately, been in my shoes.  You lift your head high and you go on with life. You try not to be angry or resentful. You try to not hold on to all the negative emotions. If you’re me, and I am lol, you fail at that.

You think that once you come out on the other side of something like this you’ll take a big breath, sigh, and say, “Wow I feel better.” Really it’s more like this; Deep breath, sigh, “Why am I still pissed off?”

Fast forward to my conversation about the shirt with my best friend.  We joke and laugh about how awesome it is. We talk about how Opie’s life is an awesome walk through a field of tulips. All the while, I am looking up stuff about Buddhism. At first, it’s just curiousity. I like to know about the things that truly define people. The way I see it, religion, faith, spirituality, you pick the name of it is one of those things. Basically, I’m that insufferable person asking you 48765345769453 questions about junk you don’t really want to talk to me about.

As I read things really start to click and jump out at me. I keep researching. And researching.

Then, another amazing thing happens, I start letting shit go.

Seriously, it’s like a little kid letting popcorn fall out of the cart at Target. I’m just watching it bounce on the floor as I walk away. For the first time in months I am less pissed off.  Less pissed off is a great place to be.  I keep reading.Everyday I am a little bit less pissed off as a person. I stop worrying about the disease and how much time it might steal. I let it go. Little things I used to really enjoy start to be enjoyable again. It’s like waking up from a deep, long nap. Though it hasn’t been long on my path of research and discovery, I have an a-ha moment. I want to be Buddhist.

It’s suddenly like my life is this open book full of blank, fresh, pages replacing the dark, angry, dingy pages that were there before. I really wish I could describe here all the ways that Buddhist teachings, the rather small amount I’ve read so far, have helped my life. I wanted to write this huge touching, but funny, letter of thanks, but it is so hard to accurately relate the amount of change I’ve seen from this.

Why post such a deeply personal thing on such a public forum you ask? Simple. When we affect massive change in someone’s life, whether indirectly or directly, knowing the person is grateful always makes us feel like the things we do are worthwhile. I thought about it for a while before deciding to go this direction. Hell, maybe someone will read this and get curious like I did and read up on it and be changed too.

So, Ryan, Mr. Hurst or whatever a random girl from Ohio should address you as, thank you. Sure, you didn’t walk up and give me The Angry Girl’s Guide to Buddhism, but you did change my life. Even if it was just a t-shirt.