The Angry Girl Makes A Full Circle

Last night I barely slept. I watched The Hunger Games, listened to Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, and I wrote a letter of thanks in purple ink. You would think that, after thinking about it for a while, the letter would have been easy to write, but it wasn't. Deciding how much detail to put in it and how much gratitude can be accurately scribed without looking weird is quite the process. Hell, I even skipped the greeting because I couldn't decide between Ryan, Dear Ryan,or Dear Mr. Hurst.It took me most of the night to do it. It was completely worth it to me. When it was finished I felt like I had said what needed to be said and said thank you the best I could.

I had talked to my best friend from out of state and she said she was worried that it would be left behind before it actually was read. We tried to come up with ways to make the envelope flashy so it would be seen, even in the rush of leaving. My husband suggested writing Mr. Hurst in big letters on it, it was hilarious, but I decided against it. My friend suggested maybe coming up with a logo for the blog and drawing it on there.Eventually, after some pretty funny conversation, I decided on drawing a lotus. Taking 3 brown, recycled cd sleeves with me in the car I drew three lotuses and picked my favorite. Then my locally grown best friend, Hope, laughingly suggested I put @RamboDonkeyKong on it and so I did.

When I woke up it seemed like I had just gone to sleep. Though he wouldn't be signing autographs until   noon, I wanted to get there by ten. Knowing this may be his last stint through the bike shows I didn't know how many people would be there to meet him. Around 10:20 we got in line and there was probably at least twenty people ahead of us. Hope and I stood in line and laughed and joked with the fans around us. It was great. When he came out everyone cheered.

The closer I came to the table the more my heart pounded. I began to completely doubt this. Here I was, at a bike show, toting a fan letter that wasn't really a fan letter. For a minute I wasn't sure I would give it to him. My hands shook at the reality that I probably wouldn't get a second chance at this. How many times in your life can you say that you met someone who set you on the road to completely changing your life?

When I got up to the table I asked he if he would sign the picture I brought with me and he smiled and said yea sure. I slid the picture onto the table and smiled wide. I reached over and gestured toward the picture, "This picture completely changed my life," I slid the letter across to him, "and this letter explains the story behind that." Saying I thought I might puke is the understatement of the century.

Being the person I am I didn't know how seriously he would take it or if he would just be like, "Yea, ok." and pass it off to someone. When he looked at me sincerely and said, "I promise I will read it," I nearly died. That was definitely not what I expected. I had prepared for every possible outcome except him saying he would read it.

When I walked away I found out my husband had stood to the side with his phone and taken pictures of me talking to Ryan Hurst. He showed them to me and I nearly cried, what can I say, I'm an emotional chick sometimes.

The rest of the time I was at Cyclefest I walked around in a daze. I was just trying to digest what had  happened. It was huge. If you can tell someone thank you for something, DO IT. This has been one of the most cathartic things I have ever done. When I realized I was starving because, in an effort not to barf on Mr. Hurst, I had only eaten a bagel all day we left to go eat. We all sat around the table just talking about the whole thing. Right before we left, Hope turned to me and said, "Can you just imagine him getting in whatever car he will be leaving in and pulling out your letter to read it." Well, I can imagine it and I hope, wherever and whenever he does get the time to read it, my honest feelings make it from the page to him. I hope that he reads it and understands how much this has meant to me. 

Angry Girl, Floating

Humbling from Staten Strong and My Shirt Comes Home

A couple of amazing things happened here in Ohio today. First, I got online this morning and made my daily PSA for Staten Strong, a cause close to my Angry Girl heart, and a little while later I saw this

I feel so humbled. I help Staten Strong because I see the pictures and I think that could be me, my community, my friends, and it's a no brainer to try and get the word out there. I definitely carry this cause in my heart and always will. I think that we often reactively give to these causes that stem from natural disasters and then, slowly, as the media attention fades we forget and move on. It takes years to recover from something like this. I'll put it this way, there are still areas hit by Katrina that have yet to fully recover. Staten Island will need our help for the long haul and they deserve it. They shouldn't have to do this alone. I intend to remind people of this cause as often as I possibly can. Spread the word. 

Staten Strong site where you can donate or buy a shirt or hoodie and show your Staten Strong pride

www.statenstrong.com

Staten Strong Twitter 

https://twitter.com/StatenStrong

Theo Rossi (one of the founders and cast member of Sons of Anarchy) Twitter

https://twitter.com/Theorossi

Staten Strong Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/StatenStrong

The second half of my day came with the arrival of THE shirt.The shirt that started it all. The story behind the shirt is here, but if you follow my blog then you probably know what the hell I'm going on about. You know, I sat down today and I thought about everything I've changed in the last few months and I cried. So many things have been given back to me through this new path. No matter how many causes I help, how many individuals I help, how much compassion I show I can never do enough to thank the universe or whatever for just having Ryan Hurst get dressed in this shirt. Such a simple thing to do to give a girl her life back. 

How can I ever accurately describe the gratitude I feel, without seeming like that weird stalkery girl from the internet, if I get to meet him in February? Will it seem stupid to him? Will it seem like I've misplaced all this gratitude? I hope not. I hope that I somehow find the words to be able to explain to him what he did for my life. I have so many things running through my head about it. How do you get someone to understand something like this without seeming psycho? If you know, help a girl out. If I get to do that then I feel like this will have gone full circle.

I wear this shirt proudly. 

I will continue to use my blog to share my everyday experiences in growing on the Buddhist path, to help Staten Strong, and sometimes even just to make you laugh. I don't care if anyone ever comments again. If I reach even one person then it's worth it to me. If Ryan Hurst wearing a shirt and a thank you from Staten Strong (when I don't think I did much to be thanked for) have taught me anything it is this: Help any way you can, strive to touch people's hearts, leave an indelible mark of compassion on all that you do. 

 Angry Girl Humbled. 

The Post Not Heard Around the World

First things first. What inspired me to do this blog? A copy paste from another blog of mine should help explain. So, without further ado, An Open Letter to Ryan Hurst.

So, yea, hi. It’s been a while, blog.

I wanted to find a way to thank someone for really helping me in a round about way. When that person is Ryan Hurst and you’re some girl who lives in Ohio, well, it’s problematic. lol

First, a little back story. For the last few years of my life I have been dealing with the fall out of my husband’s non-compliance in taking his diabetes medicine. He’s had four toes amputated and was off work. Take your insulin, peeps, it’s important. I had to get a crap job at a Walmart portrait studio and we struggled, a lot. It always seems worse when you’re in the thick of it.

Now, on to the reason for my thank you.

About two months ago my best friend and I were talking about Sons of Anarchy. Yep, we love that show. She was telling me about a picture she downloaded for her wallpaper and I was telling her about one I downloaded because Opie (Ryan Hurst) had on such an amazing shirt. I’ll post the picture in just a second, I know everyone likes visual stimulation. So my best friend was all, “Oh, really what kind of shirt is it?” So I send her a link to the picture and she agrees it is an awesome shirt. In true Hope fashion, she then goes on a hunt to find the shirt online. When she does find it (http://theidproject.org/node/773 ) she also comes to find that this is actually a Buddhist philosophy  So, I was curious and I turned to my dear friend Google.

Here is the picture by the way.

Yes, that is the actual wallpaper on my laptop right now. I know, I know. I digress.

How to continue from here, hmmm.

Watching the breadwinner of my family be taken out of the game from late 2009 until August of this year was hard.  On top of that is the lingering reality that, at age twenty-eight, you’re dealing with a disease that ultimately kills people and it is eating your loved one up piece by piece. By the time you start loosing appendages to diabetes it has already wrought all kinds of havoc you can’t see and coming to terms with the fact that your husband probably won’t live to be an old man is a hard thing to do. I’m not the only one who gets that. Many people have, unfortunately, been in my shoes.  You lift your head high and you go on with life. You try not to be angry or resentful. You try to not hold on to all the negative emotions. If you’re me, and I am lol, you fail at that.

You think that once you come out on the other side of something like this you’ll take a big breath, sigh, and say, “Wow I feel better.” Really it’s more like this; Deep breath, sigh, “Why am I still pissed off?”

Fast forward to my conversation about the shirt with my best friend.  We joke and laugh about how awesome it is. We talk about how Opie’s life is an awesome walk through a field of tulips. All the while, I am looking up stuff about Buddhism. At first, it’s just curiousity. I like to know about the things that truly define people. The way I see it, religion, faith, spirituality, you pick the name of it is one of those things. Basically, I’m that insufferable person asking you 48765345769453 questions about junk you don’t really want to talk to me about.

As I read things really start to click and jump out at me. I keep researching. And researching.

Then, another amazing thing happens, I start letting shit go.

Seriously, it’s like a little kid letting popcorn fall out of the cart at Target. I’m just watching it bounce on the floor as I walk away. For the first time in months I am less pissed off.  Less pissed off is a great place to be.  I keep reading.Everyday I am a little bit less pissed off as a person. I stop worrying about the disease and how much time it might steal. I let it go. Little things I used to really enjoy start to be enjoyable again. It’s like waking up from a deep, long nap. Though it hasn’t been long on my path of research and discovery, I have an a-ha moment. I want to be Buddhist.

It’s suddenly like my life is this open book full of blank, fresh, pages replacing the dark, angry, dingy pages that were there before. I really wish I could describe here all the ways that Buddhist teachings, the rather small amount I’ve read so far, have helped my life. I wanted to write this huge touching, but funny, letter of thanks, but it is so hard to accurately relate the amount of change I’ve seen from this.

Why post such a deeply personal thing on such a public forum you ask? Simple. When we affect massive change in someone’s life, whether indirectly or directly, knowing the person is grateful always makes us feel like the things we do are worthwhile. I thought about it for a while before deciding to go this direction. Hell, maybe someone will read this and get curious like I did and read up on it and be changed too.

So, Ryan, Mr. Hurst or whatever a random girl from Ohio should address you as, thank you. Sure, you didn’t walk up and give me The Angry Girl’s Guide to Buddhism, but you did change my life. Even if it was just a t-shirt.