So, I've been trying so hard to delicately navigate the shit storm that is my family over the last couple of months. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been the same either. Dealing with a dying parent is not fun, but we all have to do it. I keep reminding myself that we're all dying, eventually. Time is not a hateful thing that loves to rob you of life. It's passive. It stands watch as life flows through it. Though we often try to make it the bad guy, it's not. I've yet to be angry that time is up, but I'm sure that's coming.
In my Angry Without a Cause days I would have dug my heels in and absolutely swore I didn't need to go see my Dad. I'd have been angry that none of my siblings seemed to have time for me. I would have been angry that my Dad was always lying to me. I would have been stuck as that little girl, crying on her front porch, waiting for her Dad to come see her on her birthday. Now, though, I find I can easily forgive. All I want is to spend what time he has left with him and try to get through this.
I know I have to sit with things how they are right now. Every terrible layer of emotion that I can't really control. I have to let them come up, acknowledge them, and let them go. Somehow that makes things easier. I've got other things going on right now too. I told a friend of mine that it's like I walked into a dark room, turned on the light, and all my parents ran away screaming, "Not it!"
Still, I'm not mad. disappointed, sure. Not mad, though. The practice works. Life gets better. You can be better.
Angry Girl
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Forgiveness: Act 4884634985
I was listening to a Dharma talk on forgiveness at the beginning of this path I stumbled upon and I remember Mr. Levine, no not Adam, saying that you often find yourself meditating and find that you are still pissed off about old stuff you though you'd forgiven someone for. I can tell you that's a pretty accurate statement. If we could just sit down and say, "Yep, I forgive that bitch," the world would be a much better place, maybe.
This week I've had a few things going down in my life. One I can't share because, while it involves me, it isn't my place. The other part I can share. I got an IM last Thursday from my aunt. All it said was, "Hey, can you call me. It's about your Dad." Now, you have to understand, my Dad is an alcoholic and has never really been there for me. For a few years he was. He meant well, but ended up doing more damage when he up and disappeared in the middle of the night taking my brother and two sisters with him. I was very angry about that for a long time. Hell, I was angry that he couldn't seem to stop drinking long enough to build some kind of relationship with me. I felt robbed of a relationship I seemed to think I was owed. (Life doesn't owe us anything, but that's another blog)
Early in my adult life I came to terms with he fact that he wasn't ever going to change and I tried to have some kind of relationship with him. Any time I called, I was angry. Even though I was trying to forgive him and get passed it, part of me was clinging to the feelings of betrayal and hurt. He lived in West Virginia so it was pretty easy to put it on the back burner. Fast forward to last week.
My Aunt told me he'd been taken to the ER the night before and his vitals were pretty bad. They also seemed to have found some kind of mass. They thought he may have TB or Cancer and he had pneumonia plus some infection they couldn't identify. He was in isolation and in ICU. That's a lot to process. I was pretty upset about it. I waited for updates the next day, but didn't get any until later in the day. Mentioning this is no slight to my siblings ( in case any of you are reading this) it's hard to remember to update a sister you've seen twice in about 15 years. I get that, it's cool, I don't blame them. That being said, it kind of leaves you feeling like you don't have a place in your own family. There are so many complicated emotions that swirl around this kind of thing. They key is to acknowledge them and let them pass.
Now, back to my point. I called my Dad the other day. My husband is off work for, hopefully, a final surgery and I have no money with which I could even get to West Virginia, so calling was the best I could do. I talked to my Dad, chatted, conversed. I kept telling myself, there's no point holding on to anger, it doesn't hurt anyone but you. What's the point? And I may end up being angry again at some point, randomly.
Where forgiveness is concerned it is always best to give it for YOU. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling regret for something I could have had if I had just forgiven my father. I want to have a relationship with my brother and sisters. I don't want to hold MYSELF back anymore.
When we harbor anger, of any kind, all we do is hold ourselves back, cage ourselves, stop our own progress. Who wants that static? Forgiveness is key, people. Key. It's like the Doctor walks up and hands you the key to the TARDIS, but you throw it back in his face. Who does that? Don't you want to journey with the madman in the blue box through time and space? Life should be full of wonder and movement, not anger.
Angry Girl
This week I've had a few things going down in my life. One I can't share because, while it involves me, it isn't my place. The other part I can share. I got an IM last Thursday from my aunt. All it said was, "Hey, can you call me. It's about your Dad." Now, you have to understand, my Dad is an alcoholic and has never really been there for me. For a few years he was. He meant well, but ended up doing more damage when he up and disappeared in the middle of the night taking my brother and two sisters with him. I was very angry about that for a long time. Hell, I was angry that he couldn't seem to stop drinking long enough to build some kind of relationship with me. I felt robbed of a relationship I seemed to think I was owed. (Life doesn't owe us anything, but that's another blog)
Early in my adult life I came to terms with he fact that he wasn't ever going to change and I tried to have some kind of relationship with him. Any time I called, I was angry. Even though I was trying to forgive him and get passed it, part of me was clinging to the feelings of betrayal and hurt. He lived in West Virginia so it was pretty easy to put it on the back burner. Fast forward to last week.
My Aunt told me he'd been taken to the ER the night before and his vitals were pretty bad. They also seemed to have found some kind of mass. They thought he may have TB or Cancer and he had pneumonia plus some infection they couldn't identify. He was in isolation and in ICU. That's a lot to process. I was pretty upset about it. I waited for updates the next day, but didn't get any until later in the day. Mentioning this is no slight to my siblings ( in case any of you are reading this) it's hard to remember to update a sister you've seen twice in about 15 years. I get that, it's cool, I don't blame them. That being said, it kind of leaves you feeling like you don't have a place in your own family. There are so many complicated emotions that swirl around this kind of thing. They key is to acknowledge them and let them pass.
Now, back to my point. I called my Dad the other day. My husband is off work for, hopefully, a final surgery and I have no money with which I could even get to West Virginia, so calling was the best I could do. I talked to my Dad, chatted, conversed. I kept telling myself, there's no point holding on to anger, it doesn't hurt anyone but you. What's the point? And I may end up being angry again at some point, randomly.
Where forgiveness is concerned it is always best to give it for YOU. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling regret for something I could have had if I had just forgiven my father. I want to have a relationship with my brother and sisters. I don't want to hold MYSELF back anymore.
When we harbor anger, of any kind, all we do is hold ourselves back, cage ourselves, stop our own progress. Who wants that static? Forgiveness is key, people. Key. It's like the Doctor walks up and hands you the key to the TARDIS, but you throw it back in his face. Who does that? Don't you want to journey with the madman in the blue box through time and space? Life should be full of wonder and movement, not anger.
Angry Girl
Friday, May 31, 2013
This is Only a Test
This is a test. This is only a test. If this was an actual emergency I would be in the corner flipping the fuck out.
Oh, wait.
A few weeks ago my husband came out to me about the fact that he had been lying to me about taking his medicine for five months. Despite the fact that he has already lost four toes he still hadn't been taking his insulin or anything else. At first, I screamed. I ranted. I wanted to throw things, but I didn't. Then I was actually able to take a step back and say wait, you know I need to think this through before I say anything else. And that's exactly what I did.
My emotions, for once, did not own me. This is exciting news for me. Of course, the next day he told me he had a bone infection and would have to be off work again. Now, if you remember, this is what made me an Angry Girl to begin with. This time, though, is different because I am different. Through my practice I have been able to step back, most of the time, and not just completely blow up all the time. Let me tell you, that is a small miracle considering some of the anxiety issues I have. I do not like anything to be out of my control or, at least, I didn't.
The last month, though it has been full of hurdles, betrayal, and stress, I've been fine. I've slipped up. I've gotten irritable, but never for long. I am beyond grateful that I have my practice to help me through this. I can honestly say I am a changed person because of Buddhism.
I know this has been a short update, but some of this is still really to raw to type out. I thought you guys would appreciate, though, practice in action, which is exactly what is going on in my life right now. Thank you all for sticking with my blog. I am so honored to help anyone in any way through this modest blog of mine.
Angry Girl, Practicing.
Oh, wait.
A few weeks ago my husband came out to me about the fact that he had been lying to me about taking his medicine for five months. Despite the fact that he has already lost four toes he still hadn't been taking his insulin or anything else. At first, I screamed. I ranted. I wanted to throw things, but I didn't. Then I was actually able to take a step back and say wait, you know I need to think this through before I say anything else. And that's exactly what I did.
My emotions, for once, did not own me. This is exciting news for me. Of course, the next day he told me he had a bone infection and would have to be off work again. Now, if you remember, this is what made me an Angry Girl to begin with. This time, though, is different because I am different. Through my practice I have been able to step back, most of the time, and not just completely blow up all the time. Let me tell you, that is a small miracle considering some of the anxiety issues I have. I do not like anything to be out of my control or, at least, I didn't.
The last month, though it has been full of hurdles, betrayal, and stress, I've been fine. I've slipped up. I've gotten irritable, but never for long. I am beyond grateful that I have my practice to help me through this. I can honestly say I am a changed person because of Buddhism.
I know this has been a short update, but some of this is still really to raw to type out. I thought you guys would appreciate, though, practice in action, which is exactly what is going on in my life right now. Thank you all for sticking with my blog. I am so honored to help anyone in any way through this modest blog of mine.
Angry Girl, Practicing.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Why I Have Been Wearing a Watch that Doesn't Work
At the beginning of the month we found a new home and began moving. It was in our kids' school district, an old farm house, and it had no mold. Unfortunately I have had basically no control over the move and that is not something I do well, give up control.
I found a watch that I've had since high school, but the battery is dead. I slipped it on with the intention of just getting it to the new house. Every time I checked to see what time it was I realized it actually served as an important reminder. Control is an illusion and you have to live in the moment and let go. Since then I have continued wearing the watch.
We get so consumed in what we're doing and what we need to get done that we forget to enjoy what's going on at that exact moment. The watch was a great reminder for me to step back and look around me. If you have a hard time remembering to live in the moment, like I do sometimes, I really suggest wearing a watch that doesn't work for a day or two. Clearly you'd have to pick a day where you don't have an important appointment or something, but it gives you a very refreshing reminder about where your attention SHOULD be.
Now that we are finally getting settled in our new home I will be able to blog more often. I've had a lot of trips and stumbles on the path in the last couple of months that I'm really dying to share with you guys.
Nice to be back!
Angry Girl
I found a watch that I've had since high school, but the battery is dead. I slipped it on with the intention of just getting it to the new house. Every time I checked to see what time it was I realized it actually served as an important reminder. Control is an illusion and you have to live in the moment and let go. Since then I have continued wearing the watch.
We get so consumed in what we're doing and what we need to get done that we forget to enjoy what's going on at that exact moment. The watch was a great reminder for me to step back and look around me. If you have a hard time remembering to live in the moment, like I do sometimes, I really suggest wearing a watch that doesn't work for a day or two. Clearly you'd have to pick a day where you don't have an important appointment or something, but it gives you a very refreshing reminder about where your attention SHOULD be.
Now that we are finally getting settled in our new home I will be able to blog more often. I've had a lot of trips and stumbles on the path in the last couple of months that I'm really dying to share with you guys.
Nice to be back!
Angry Girl
Monday, April 8, 2013
Are You A Vegetarian?
There are some people who believe that The Buddha was against eating meat. Others believe he would allow it as long as the animal wasn't purposely killed just for that person's consumption. It seems as thought it is a widely debated aspect of Buddhism.
I, myself, do eat meat. It's never really been an issue to me. I've been on farms, I've raised hogs myself. I've seen the individual personality that each animal possesses. I can assure you, no livestock animal is a mindless hunk of meat. In terms of non-violence, though I can see where some people would shy away from eating meat.
In recent years, many farm-related animal abuse cases have been brought to light. When you are trying to live your life by not doing harm finding out your morning omelet can from a farm where they keep chickens in cages next to rotting corpses can be a real turn-off. It's hard to get that to mesh with non-violence.
We'd all like to think our meat and animal products come from some farm where it's always sunny and the grass is the greenest, most nutritious thing ever. Sadly, the reality is that we can't be sure that what we eat comes from a farm that treats the animals with kindness and respect. While these animals may be bred for food, the do deserve a good quality of life while they are alive and a quick and as painless as possible death.
Now on to what brought this blog on today. I read an article this morning about activist who make covert tapes to expose farms for cruelty. As hard as these videos are to watch I believe they are a very important tool. Not only do they bring animal abusers to justice, they make the public aware of the horrors that can happen while bringing them their New York Strip Steak. There are several places trying to pass legislation that actually makes it illegal to covertly tape animal abuse.
Let me get this straight, we want to waste time and money, in an already bloated legal system, to criminalize the good guys?
Some people are saying that some of the things on the tapes, while shocking, are little more than typical farm practice. I cannot think of one single farm where it is common practice to burn baby chicks and break off their heads and I've been involved in farming since I was knee high. I understand that they are probably trying to keep from having farmers vilified because not all farmers abuse animals. We need farms. They make much more than food.
So when you are trying to walk a path of non-violence how do you reconcile the fact that your food may very well be brought to you by abuse?
Here's the article if you'd like to read it. New York Times
I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Angry Girl
I, myself, do eat meat. It's never really been an issue to me. I've been on farms, I've raised hogs myself. I've seen the individual personality that each animal possesses. I can assure you, no livestock animal is a mindless hunk of meat. In terms of non-violence, though I can see where some people would shy away from eating meat.
In recent years, many farm-related animal abuse cases have been brought to light. When you are trying to live your life by not doing harm finding out your morning omelet can from a farm where they keep chickens in cages next to rotting corpses can be a real turn-off. It's hard to get that to mesh with non-violence.
We'd all like to think our meat and animal products come from some farm where it's always sunny and the grass is the greenest, most nutritious thing ever. Sadly, the reality is that we can't be sure that what we eat comes from a farm that treats the animals with kindness and respect. While these animals may be bred for food, the do deserve a good quality of life while they are alive and a quick and as painless as possible death.
Now on to what brought this blog on today. I read an article this morning about activist who make covert tapes to expose farms for cruelty. As hard as these videos are to watch I believe they are a very important tool. Not only do they bring animal abusers to justice, they make the public aware of the horrors that can happen while bringing them their New York Strip Steak. There are several places trying to pass legislation that actually makes it illegal to covertly tape animal abuse.
Let me get this straight, we want to waste time and money, in an already bloated legal system, to criminalize the good guys?
Some people are saying that some of the things on the tapes, while shocking, are little more than typical farm practice. I cannot think of one single farm where it is common practice to burn baby chicks and break off their heads and I've been involved in farming since I was knee high. I understand that they are probably trying to keep from having farmers vilified because not all farmers abuse animals. We need farms. They make much more than food.
So when you are trying to walk a path of non-violence how do you reconcile the fact that your food may very well be brought to you by abuse?
Here's the article if you'd like to read it. New York Times
I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Angry Girl
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Moving!
Ok, guys, bear with me! We are moving and when the dust settles I will be able to post more!
Thanks!
Angry Girl
Thanks!
Angry Girl
Monday, March 18, 2013
What Does Community Mean and Social Media Activism
Today's blog is all about community.
As Buddhist we are taught the importance of the Sangha or community. It can help strengthen our practice to be with like minded people. We can do service with our sangha. Basically, the group benefits the individual and vice versa. What I want to discuss, though, is the community we live in.
Years ago community meant something sacred. Today, I'm not sure it still does. My Great Grandfather lost half of his arm one year. He ran a farm and was in the hospital for a while, as you can imagine. When it was time to harvest the people of that small, rural, community came together and helped bring in the crops. There are pictures of it in our family albums. People milling about on the farm, long tables filled with food, smiles, worn out faces, all these things mean community to me.
If my neighbors need help, I do my best to help. This winter I often shoveled my driveway as well as my neighbor's. They are older ladies with declining health and they genuinely appreciate it. I do it with expecting anything in return and it makes me feel great to help. In a world where gratification has to be instant and we are all about what WE want and what WE do can help US, community has quickly lost it's meaning.
People often wonder what happened to our moral structure and want to place the blame everywhere they can. Truth is, we have become more concerned with things than we are our neighbors. We are more concerned about how much money we have and what it can buy us to look around and say "Hello," to our neighbors. How many people do you know that live on your street? I'm guilty of this as well. Ate the very least we should know the people who live on either side of us. Take a minute, step away from your tech and go say hi to the neighbors.
In a disaster scenario the people you will be relying on, in many, many cases, is your neighbors. They are the ones who will stumble out of the wreckage of their own homes and come save you from the wreckage of yours. The one s who will be with you as you dig out what memories you can. The ones who will be there when the Red Cross is busy wading through red tape. The ones who will help you when the insurance companies refuse. The ones who won't make you jump through hoops, but will slap on a mask, grab a tool, and ask, "Where do you need me."
There is no better an example of this being true than Staten Island. Like most of use who don't live near the East Coast, I watched the news in horror as Sandy battered the cities along the seaboard. Then, while on twitter over the course of the weeks that followed, I saw something alarming. The people of Staten Island seemed to be completely on their own.
Theo Rossi, yea the guy from Sons of Anarchy, is a pretty active guy on Twitter. His parents live in Staten Island, which is where he grew up, and he was visiting when the storm hit. He was vocal about what was going on in his hometown. People were missing, people were homeless with, very literally, just the clothes on their backs, damage was everywhere, and the people stepping up were people of the community, not of any nationally recognized organization. I watched as they let people know here they could charge their cell phones, where they had set up hubs to help everyone.
Most of all, I wanted to help.
I sent a box of clothes, I passed on the info about where to send it. Then I felt like there was nothing more I could really do, except retweet every bit of information I could and share it on any social media I had. To my surprise, it did actually help people. I was so excited, so happy to be helping any small way that I could.
I was watching an interview the other day where I was introduced to the term "Slacktivist". This term is what many say about people who retweet, repost, and otherwise share information about causes. I will proudly wear that term, if that's what you want to label me, because I know my slacktivism helps. I know my blog has lead people to Staten Strong where they can donate or buys shirts. I know, without doubt, my blog has helped. It's part of why I try to keep the awareness going strong. Without people to keep reminding others that there is still help needed people will forget and just move on.
For those of us who aren't living the situation it is easy not to remember that much of Staten Island is still in huge disrepair or that there are civil wars happening in other countries or that there are animals in need of homes or that there are children in need of an education. The only way to keep it in the forefront is to get the word out there.
The way I see it, the story would live long without the bard to tell it.
I think it's time we bring back the meaning of community that was held before. Get out, say hi to people, make friends out of neighbors, rake leaves, shovel drives, carry groceries in for people, just do whatever you possibly can to be helpful. Kindness is kindness in small or large doses, it's the same.
I want to leave you guys with a few videos of the aftermath in Staten Island. Keep spreading the word about the amazing group at Staten Strong. Help them help their neighbors.
You can donate or buy gear at: www.statenstrong.com
You can follow them on Twitter @StatenStrong
You can follow the one of the biggest hearts around on Twitter @TheoRossi
To see how you can help turn news into action on Twitter follow @RYOTNews
To follow a kind soul out to save the planet follow @iansomerhalder
You can visit Ian's charity here ISF
Lets take the time to grow the hearts of our communities, making life less about I and more about Us.
Angry Girl
As Buddhist we are taught the importance of the Sangha or community. It can help strengthen our practice to be with like minded people. We can do service with our sangha. Basically, the group benefits the individual and vice versa. What I want to discuss, though, is the community we live in.
Years ago community meant something sacred. Today, I'm not sure it still does. My Great Grandfather lost half of his arm one year. He ran a farm and was in the hospital for a while, as you can imagine. When it was time to harvest the people of that small, rural, community came together and helped bring in the crops. There are pictures of it in our family albums. People milling about on the farm, long tables filled with food, smiles, worn out faces, all these things mean community to me.
If my neighbors need help, I do my best to help. This winter I often shoveled my driveway as well as my neighbor's. They are older ladies with declining health and they genuinely appreciate it. I do it with expecting anything in return and it makes me feel great to help. In a world where gratification has to be instant and we are all about what WE want and what WE do can help US, community has quickly lost it's meaning.
People often wonder what happened to our moral structure and want to place the blame everywhere they can. Truth is, we have become more concerned with things than we are our neighbors. We are more concerned about how much money we have and what it can buy us to look around and say "Hello," to our neighbors. How many people do you know that live on your street? I'm guilty of this as well. Ate the very least we should know the people who live on either side of us. Take a minute, step away from your tech and go say hi to the neighbors.
In a disaster scenario the people you will be relying on, in many, many cases, is your neighbors. They are the ones who will stumble out of the wreckage of their own homes and come save you from the wreckage of yours. The one s who will be with you as you dig out what memories you can. The ones who will be there when the Red Cross is busy wading through red tape. The ones who will help you when the insurance companies refuse. The ones who won't make you jump through hoops, but will slap on a mask, grab a tool, and ask, "Where do you need me."
There is no better an example of this being true than Staten Island. Like most of use who don't live near the East Coast, I watched the news in horror as Sandy battered the cities along the seaboard. Then, while on twitter over the course of the weeks that followed, I saw something alarming. The people of Staten Island seemed to be completely on their own.
Theo Rossi, yea the guy from Sons of Anarchy, is a pretty active guy on Twitter. His parents live in Staten Island, which is where he grew up, and he was visiting when the storm hit. He was vocal about what was going on in his hometown. People were missing, people were homeless with, very literally, just the clothes on their backs, damage was everywhere, and the people stepping up were people of the community, not of any nationally recognized organization. I watched as they let people know here they could charge their cell phones, where they had set up hubs to help everyone.
Most of all, I wanted to help.
I sent a box of clothes, I passed on the info about where to send it. Then I felt like there was nothing more I could really do, except retweet every bit of information I could and share it on any social media I had. To my surprise, it did actually help people. I was so excited, so happy to be helping any small way that I could.
I was watching an interview the other day where I was introduced to the term "Slacktivist". This term is what many say about people who retweet, repost, and otherwise share information about causes. I will proudly wear that term, if that's what you want to label me, because I know my slacktivism helps. I know my blog has lead people to Staten Strong where they can donate or buys shirts. I know, without doubt, my blog has helped. It's part of why I try to keep the awareness going strong. Without people to keep reminding others that there is still help needed people will forget and just move on.
For those of us who aren't living the situation it is easy not to remember that much of Staten Island is still in huge disrepair or that there are civil wars happening in other countries or that there are animals in need of homes or that there are children in need of an education. The only way to keep it in the forefront is to get the word out there.
The way I see it, the story would live long without the bard to tell it.
I think it's time we bring back the meaning of community that was held before. Get out, say hi to people, make friends out of neighbors, rake leaves, shovel drives, carry groceries in for people, just do whatever you possibly can to be helpful. Kindness is kindness in small or large doses, it's the same.
I want to leave you guys with a few videos of the aftermath in Staten Island. Keep spreading the word about the amazing group at Staten Strong. Help them help their neighbors.
You can donate or buy gear at: www.statenstrong.com
You can follow them on Twitter @StatenStrong
You can follow the one of the biggest hearts around on Twitter @TheoRossi
To see how you can help turn news into action on Twitter follow @RYOTNews
To follow a kind soul out to save the planet follow @iansomerhalder
You can visit Ian's charity here ISF
Lets take the time to grow the hearts of our communities, making life less about I and more about Us.
Angry Girl
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